Chasing My Tail

I’m not much of a procrastinator, but for some reason I’ve been dreading my first “Now That You Know” we’re pregnant post. Since the moment the HPT came back positive, there has been a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions overloading my brain. I’m on overload so much so that I don’t even know where to begin. You know how a Opossum will stand frozen solid if you shine a light at them? That’s how I feel. I’m standing frozen solid in the middle of a busy freeway as cars zoom pass and I don’t know what my next move should be to get myself to the side of the road safely. This is a strange feeling for me. Normally, I’m level-headed, organized, precise. I usually don’t have a problem breaking things down into “baby steps”. I’ve been trying all week to do that in this case, but I find that I’m just running circles around myself – like a dog chasing their tail. Why do dogs chase their tails in the first place? Well, why am I so stuck?

The first week after we found out we were pregnant, I couldn’t sleep and I walked around for days in a haze. I was a kid the night before Christmas. The anticipation of all the activities, toys, games would keep me up until the wee hours of the morning until I finally could no longer hold my head up from exhaustion. This was no different. It took me until the weekend to finally start getting some sleep. I mean some serious sleep. The kind of sleep where you wake up with drool on your pillow and it takes you a few minutes before you realize where you are. I had a heck of a time at work staying focused. If I was to use computer terms, my short-term memory was throwing exceptions and my hard drive crashed. I was way out of whack. I tried to keep to my running and yoga, but that was nearly impossible. My mind immediately started making a list of all the things that we need to start thinking about. On top of that, I was running behind H like she was a glass vase teetering on the edge of the kitchen counter over a hardwood floor. I was paranoid that we were going to do something “wrong”.

You have to understand that for the most part I’m really not normally like this. From time to time I can go in and out of my funks, but who doesn’t? I do tend to get ahead of myself on occasion. Okay, so a lot. But, I’ve been really working on bringing my awareness back to the present moment. Yoga and meditation help me tremendously with staying grounded. So, when Monday rolled around, I set my intention on remembering the present and really enjoying the “now”. While I can say that I’m not entirely back to my normal self, I’m getting there. I’ve given myself permission to really enjoy this process with H and this time in our lives. I’m not going to allow my fear of the unknown, or worries about money, or anything else get in the way of this absolutely amazing journey. Bottom line…the plan is to stop chasing my tail!

Inner Struggles

Since we found out that I'm pregnant we've been walking around in a fog. We've been cautiously excited about being pregnant. We know it's early and personally I've read too many blogs with sad developments in the 1st trimester.

On a personal note I'm having an inner struggle with myself. One part of me wants to be free to enjoy this part of my pregnancy but another doesn't want to set myself up for extreme disappointment. Sometimes I loathe the logical side of me or perhaps what I loathe is not being free. When I was growing up I learned early on not to get to excited about big events my parents planned. Somehow most of the events like Christmas , Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Easter usually got delayed, ruined, or succumbed to parents simply shrugging them off. It's not to say that I didn't have a good childhood. It's just that after awhile I stopped getting excited about those big events and just waited for the day. If we celebrated great! If not I hadn't set myself up to be disappointed.

I do believe that whatever is meant to be will be for this new life we've created and that there's nothing I can really do to change the outcome. But it's hard. How do I tap into the free loving side of me that was so prevalent in my early 20's? Why has life made me even more of a cynic? Perhaps it will get easier after I have my first appt. I can't wait until August 14th! Only 15 more days to go.

Operation - Save Moola for Baby! Mission 1

For some time now we been throwing around the idea of getting rid of our beast (aka The Tahoe) and consolidating down to one car. Yes, we were a two car family that only drove one car. The beast sat in the driveway during the week and went out for special trips to the dog park, C*ostco, etc. during the weekend. When we bought the beast it seemed practical for our lifestyle. A few years ago when we lived in the city we were toting around dogs to dog parks, carting around friends to events and renovating houses on the side. But things changed and we moved out the country (aka I*ssaquah). Driving the beast into the city was no longer practical. So this weekend we spiffed up our beast & our little lovable beetle and traded them in for a used P*assat. We are now officially a one car family! A few of our friends have told us that we'll regret not having two cars but I think it was the right move to make. Besides, part of the goal was to have only one car payment so we could save money for the bambino. That alone was worth it! So, when the bambino comes C will either take the car into work or I'll drop her off at the park n ride near our house. We have an express bus into the city that gets you there in 30 minutes flat. And after my maternity leave we'll all trot into the city via the carpool lanes. Yes, I'm painting a pretty picture. But work with me people! One car has got to work for our little family. Have you seen the cost of daycare or nannies? Okay...I'm getting way ahead of myself now. But I'm a planner and that's what I do.

I'm beginning to ramble so I better go see what C is doing in the kitchen. I think I smell garlic.

Debate Club

H and I had our first "heated" conversation since finding out she's pregnant. It should come as no surprise that the topic of debate was centered around money, denaro, and what's not in the piggy bank. We all know the TTC process is not a cheap endeavor, much less saving for a baby, medical expenses, child care, you name it. The fact that H is pregnant only magnified things in this department.

H and I balance each other out for most things in our life, including money, although sometimes it may not seem like it. I'm the dreamer and she's the logical one. It may not sound like that mixes, but it does. I've always been able to creatively find ways to bring in money, and well, let's be honest...spend it too! But, over the years, we've always found a way. The fact that we now have a baby on the way doesn't change that. It may change a few things on paper, but the reality is that we'll make it work.

About two weeks ago H and I made a deal that we would seriously look at our financial situation. In typical C fashion, I went straight for the charts and graphs and starting plotting out our long-term plan. Long-term plans can be dismal and mundane, so that doesn't help matters. H is not a chart and graph girl. If I had a wipe board, I would be "project managing" our lives like there is no tomorrow. That's what I do. H can plan for the future on a napkin and still run circles around me. So now I have .xls documents up the you know what with different scenarios mapped out, and H has a piece of paper with nicely handwritten numbers laid out uniformly in a few columns. I have to chuckle because after all of this, they both spell out the same thing. We need to cut back wherever we can, save as much as we can, and clearly we should start playing the lottery.

The Weekend in a Nutshell

I'm finally crashing from the all the excitement of the weekend. On Saturday I was up at the crack of dawn. I just couldn't sleep so I decided to surf the Internet and catch up on e-mails. By the time C was up at 7 I had been up for almost 2 hours. It was a little odd for her because I'm usually the one that can't drag my butt out of bed on the weekend. Once C was up we took our 2nd HPT since Thursday and it resulted in a very faint test band. After the test on Saturday I couldn't focus. We decided to not test again until Sunday. I was wandering around the house like I was a little kid getting ready to go to Disneyland. I couldn't sleep on Saturday night and was up at at crack of dawn on Sunday to take another HPT. This time the results were 'Pregnant'. I was in shock and went to tell C who was still sound asleep. I didn't even have to wake her up. She somehow knew that I walked into the room and woke up immediately. I told her the news and she was so EXCITED I thought she was going to wake up the neighbors. I'm still absorbing the idea of being pregnant. It's one thing thinking you might be pregnant and another actually knowing. It's mind blowing! I don't know how else to describe it. I go to the HMO lab tomorrow to take my "Official" pregnancy test and once I have the results I can make my first appointment.

List of pregnancy symptoms thus far:

• bloated (I feel like a thanksgiving turkey, all stuffed),
• huge tender boobs (and ladies my boobs are not small to begin with, I'm kind of scared to see how big they're going to get)
• I'm tired
• oh and if you ask C she would say that I'm snippy. I haven't really noticed. ; )

The Results

We're pregnant. It's totally surreal.



More later...

Peace

DPO 13 & BBT Steady

Could it be? We took another HPT this morning and the "test" band was faint. So not positive and not negative? We're trying a new HPT from here and they are not the most intuitive test to interpret. But, on their website in the FAQ section it posts the following:

Q: If the test band is faint, is the pregnancy test positive?
A: positive result will always be indicated by the presence of a distinct color band in the 'test' region of the pregnancy test strip or midstream test (accompanied by the presence of the 'control' band). If the test is faint (in comparison to the control band), the test may be positive, though the presence of hCG in the woman's body - or urine sample - may be low. The presence of hCG doubles every two days in a pregnant woman. In cases where a faint test color band is present, we recommend that you retake the test the following day using first morning urine. Again, following test instructions is critical.

So, we may be reaching here, but that translates to "we could be and the H's HCG may just be low". Here is why I think we might be:

• H's BBT Dip on DPO 10 could have been the "implantation dip"
• H's BBT is staying steady above the coverline
• The "test" band on the first HPT on Thursday was very, very, very faint. We both thought that maybe we just "wanted" to see a band but it wasn't really there so we dismissed it.
• The "test" band on today's HPT is still faint, but definitely noticeable

What does this translate to? We wait. If AF doesn't show up by Sunday Morning and H's BBT remains steady, we test again on Sunday.

BBT & Triphasic Pattern

H woke me up this morning in a panic. Yesterday her BBT dropped to just at her coverline. I didn't get a chance to ask her what her temp was before work, so I pinged her about 5 minutes before both of us had to run to a meeting. She pinged me back with 97.7...a number that instantly made my heart sink. For the rest of the day, we secretly mourned this cycle in and out of meetings.

This morning, H was sitting on the edge of the bed with her usual "why are you still laying here when there is a crisis happening" look. The first words out of her mouth? "I haven't walked the dogs yet (This is my queue that the morning routine is about to change). My BBT was 98.4." I failed to compute where there was a problem with this. We are at DPO 11, so the higher the BBT the better. H and I were so convinced that with the BBT drop yesterday there was no chance we were pregnant. H wasn't really prepared to think otherwise, so I can understand why it might be more of a shock to the system if this means we are pregnant.

We did take a pregnancy test. It's a little unclear how to "interpret" the results, but we're fairly certain it's negative. So, what does the spike in BBT mean? Could this mean that we are pregnant but the test failed to pick it up? I'm totally lost! Our only explanation is to blame it on the cat.

Disappointing Maggie

Oh, crap...I overslept this morning! H usually gets up before me (yes, she is by far the more responsible one) and takes the pups for a morning walk. While she is gone, I usually set things up for the morning, throw on some running clothes, get the Gar.min ready, grab Maggie's running gear and meet her on the porch. This morning...I totally overslept! I never oversleep!

H sat on the edge of the bed and gently nudged me awake. I think she was "annoyed" that I wasn't up yet, but got over it once we agreed to forgo running. Maggie's a different story...I could here the tags on her collar jingle downstairs. She knows what days we run and what days we don't. She's smart and gets pretty "bummed" if we alter our routine. Sorry, Mags...I don't know what happened. I guess I'm just tired. Maybe we can go for a little jaunt after work...key word here is little.

Great, first I was having conversations with my thoughts and now I'm having them with my dog. What's next!?!

Peace Out.

Tides of Emotion

Yesterday H and I were in the kitchen talking about "things", when I had a sudden realization that we only have four donor vials left. This, however, is not a bad thing...but, for a brief moment it scared the bejeebees out of me. I have moments like this on a regular basis...like clock work. But, during this TWW, I've learned how to acknowledge them and promptly dismiss them. "Yes, we do have four vials left. This is true. One of those vials will be our child's brother or sister. Now, calm the fuck down and relax. We don't need to worry about that right now."

I don't know what is worse...having conversations with your thoughts or admitting it and writing about it. Either way, it seems to be working. So, we're on DPO 6 and I'm feeling relaxed about the whole thing. It's not like we can do anything to change the outcome...we just don't know the outcome. Yet.

Yoga Pose (July) - Bakasana

If you read our blog very often, you'll know that H and I are avid yoga practitioners. Our preferred style is Bikram. If you don't know much about Bikram, you can read more here. Bikram is practiced in a room heated to 105 degrees, and 40% humidity. This style might sound intimidating, but you'd be surprised at how adaptable our bodies can be. I remember my first class...I high tailed it out of there before the floor series and puked in the trash can. But, after the first week, my body started to crave being in the heat and before long the heat was the best part. Fast forward another month and I was hooked on the "Power" (Vinyasa Style) classes more than the Hatha series. It was an amazing experience...to challenge your body physically and mentally.

Anyways, since H and I are trying to conceive, we've put Bikram on hold and have started taking regular Vinyasa classes. This by far was the best decision we could have made. Living without yoga was just not a good idea...I was so unbalanced. But, it's taken a good two weeks to retrain my body to twist and bend in certain ways. One of the poses I've been struggling with lately is Bakasan (or Crane Pose). Our Bikram teacher used to say "the harder it seems, the more you need it". One of the benefits of this posture is "balance"...go figure! Balance seems to be coming up allot in my life and since I've been struggling with it, I figure I must really need it! So, this month my goal is to focus on my upper body balance and specifically this pose.

http://www.abc-of-yoga.com/info/crane-pose.asp

I also figured while I'm at it, I might as well pick a pose each month and really focus on allowing my body to experience the benefits. So, who's with me?

At Home Insemination: Ten Things I Learned Part III

Continuing with my tradition here, but honestly, if we don't get pregnant soon I'm going to run out of "things" to learn! Okay, okay, so maybe I won't "run out", but it's starting to become a challenge to actually think of 10 things. Does that mean we can consider ourselves seasoned in the Home Insemination department? Wouldn't that be nice! I know I said this last time, but this time we nailed peak city. Yep, little bugger,we got you pegged...and you think you can just come and go when you please...Ha!

Well, here it goes:

1. I have to give props to my yoga teacher. His mantra of "Don't Dwell, Just Gel" made a world of difference for me. This might be come as a surprise , but I have a heck of a time not obsessing over things (a little something I hear is called letting go). This time I stopped praying to the fertility Gods and just let it be. Now I just need to keep it going through TWW...is there a TWW God I can pray to?
2. I need a damn post it note pinned to my cerebral cortex reminding me that if you "back out" the speculum before inseminating, you don't get a pool of swimmers stuck on the lip! Once the swimmers are stuck, it takes some serious acrobatics to "un-stick" them. I'm apparently challenged in this department, and I think H is tired of having to do "Insemination Yoga" on a monthly basis.
3. No air - no Hoo-Hoo fluffs...amazing!
4. Deep, supple and long breathes in is a pretty effective way to move the swimmers towards the cervix and not away. It also helps with point #2, should your reminder fail to go off.
5. You don't need to eat your Wheaties beforehand to be on top of your game. I skipped breakfast and I was still able to break the speculum. Who needs to weight train when you've got yoga?
6. The Ovulation Microscope is NOT the type of microscope recommended to check the mobility of the swimmers. I had to try...it was right there.
7. Neon "bendy" straws will further enable the serious of serious decaf coffee (a.k.a Star.bucks in the Northwest) addicts. A person can safely drink their "latte" while laying on their back with there knees up.
8. The i.Phone is a miraculous invention...apparently one can surf the Internet, catch up on all their blog reading, and buy shoes all from one little device. The magic device is also much "lighter" than a bound book. This is apparently useful when you have to elevate your arms up for extended periods of time.
9. The aroma from baking home-made Buttermilk Biscuits will lure even the most crabby morning people out of their "cranky pants". H is not one to bolt out of bed with a smile on her face, much less be all that thrilled to have to inseminate...but, biscuits are a powerful source of happiness, especially if equipped with butter and jam.
10. Laying a blanket over elevated knees will make an awesome tent...for cats! Note to self, be sure Suzie (the cat) is well feed and sunbathing in the other room.

Well, that's a wrap for ICI #3...now we wait, again. Wish us luck!

Third time's a charm

So another round of insemination's is done! We inseminated Saturday morning & today. Hopefully, we got the timing right this cycle. This time around we were more patient, waiting until we got the green light on both the FM & OPK.

I think we were more relaxed this time after last month's fiasco. What a disaster and waste of the little swimmers. Oh well, at least it was a good learning experience. Who knew my body could be so unpredictable? Looking back on last month I think we had too many variables working against us. Let's list out all the changes before last month's insemination, shall we? 1: Stopped doing Bikram Yoga 2. Changed Pre-Natal vitamins 3. Started Evening Primrose. I know that these aren't big changes, but at 35 you never know.

This month was a different story. Not as many changes. I added back vinyasa yoga but not my beloved bikram. I had hoped to start acupuncture but getting a referral from my lovely HMO doc proved to take longer than expected. In addition, C has been monitoring my heart rate during our little runs like a hawk. Now that we've inseminated she said that she's going to make sure the G*armin goes off at 140 bpm and not the 148 bpm it's set at now. urgh...I'm going to be walking up a bunch of hills! I know...I know....I got to take it easy. It's just so hard when you're use to running & yoga as an emotional outlet and then you have to cut back. Anyone have ideas how to do this outside of exercise?

Oh...and on a side note I get to go in and get my progesterone levels checked on day 21. Should be fun! I'm actually excited to see what the numbers look like. If their low the doc wants to start doing progesterone suppositories.

Well, that's all for now. Baby dust to everyone out there that's TTC this month.

Oh, one more thing...C broke the speculum during this morning's insemination (I'll spare you the details, but use your imagination...it was quite entertaining. It took us a few minutes to stop laughing and get back to "business"). I think it's from all the vinyasa!

Peace.

Don't Dwell Just Gel

H and I did power this morning. My, oh, my...this is why I love yoga! I feel like I'm high on harmony! It's like getting a super massage, but internally...an oil change for the body. During the class the teacher kept repeating, "don't dwell, just gel". What a great mantra to start the day, and, well, quit frankly, our third cycle attempt.