Thursday, July 31, 2008

Chasing My Tail

I’m not much of a procrastinator, but for some reason I’ve been dreading my first “Now That You Know” we’re pregnant post. Since the moment the HPT came back positive, there has been a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions overloading my brain. I’m on overload so much so that I don’t even know where to begin. You know how a Opossum will stand frozen solid if you shine a light at them? That’s how I feel. I’m standing frozen solid in the middle of a busy freeway as cars zoom pass and I don’t know what my next move should be to get myself to the side of the road safely. This is a strange feeling for me. Normally, I’m level-headed, organized, precise. I usually don’t have a problem breaking things down into “baby steps”. I’ve been trying all week to do that in this case, but I find that I’m just running circles around myself – like a dog chasing their tail. Why do dogs chase their tails in the first place? Well, why am I so stuck?

The first week after we found out we were pregnant, I couldn’t sleep and I walked around for days in a haze. I was a kid the night before Christmas. The anticipation of all the activities, toys, games would keep me up until the wee hours of the morning until I finally could no longer hold my head up from exhaustion. This was no different. It took me until the weekend to finally start getting some sleep. I mean some serious sleep. The kind of sleep where you wake up with drool on your pillow and it takes you a few minutes before you realize where you are. I had a heck of a time at work staying focused. If I was to use computer terms, my short-term memory was throwing exceptions and my hard drive crashed. I was way out of whack. I tried to keep to my running and yoga, but that was nearly impossible. My mind immediately started making a list of all the things that we need to start thinking about. On top of that, I was running behind H like she was a glass vase teetering on the edge of the kitchen counter over a hardwood floor. I was paranoid that we were going to do something “wrong”.

You have to understand that for the most part I’m really not normally like this. From time to time I can go in and out of my funks, but who doesn’t? I do tend to get ahead of myself on occasion. Okay, so a lot. But, I’ve been really working on bringing my awareness back to the present moment. Yoga and meditation help me tremendously with staying grounded. So, when Monday rolled around, I set my intention on remembering the present and really enjoying the “now”. While I can say that I’m not entirely back to my normal self, I’m getting there. I’ve given myself permission to really enjoy this process with H and this time in our lives. I’m not going to allow my fear of the unknown, or worries about money, or anything else get in the way of this absolutely amazing journey. Bottom line…the plan is to stop chasing my tail!

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Blogger Travelher and Pufferfish said...

The Malibu Pilates chair! Oh how I must have! Not. But I did click and will continue to do so...
You'll get your focus back. Just enjoy!

July 31, 2008 at 6:01 PM  

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