Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Inner Struggles

Since we found out that I'm pregnant we've been walking around in a fog. We've been cautiously excited about being pregnant. We know it's early and personally I've read too many blogs with sad developments in the 1st trimester.

On a personal note I'm having an inner struggle with myself. One part of me wants to be free to enjoy this part of my pregnancy but another doesn't want to set myself up for extreme disappointment. Sometimes I loathe the logical side of me or perhaps what I loathe is not being free. When I was growing up I learned early on not to get to excited about big events my parents planned. Somehow most of the events like Christmas , Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Easter usually got delayed, ruined, or succumbed to parents simply shrugging them off. It's not to say that I didn't have a good childhood. It's just that after awhile I stopped getting excited about those big events and just waited for the day. If we celebrated great! If not I hadn't set myself up to be disappointed.

I do believe that whatever is meant to be will be for this new life we've created and that there's nothing I can really do to change the outcome. But it's hard. How do I tap into the free loving side of me that was so prevalent in my early 20's? Why has life made me even more of a cynic? Perhaps it will get easier after I have my first appt. I can't wait until August 14th! Only 15 more days to go.

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Anonymous Strawberry said...

Yeah, I think the more time that passes and the more appointments you go to that show you everything is A-OK, the better and more excited you'll feel :) There's nothing wrong with being cautious.

July 30, 2008 at 9:04 AM  
Blogger Travelher and Pufferfish said...

I really related to this post in regards of not feeling like I did in my 20's. I don't know if it's being cynical but I think the blogosphere, for better or worse, highlights the good AND the bad. For me, knowing all of these personal stories of struggle make it harder.
I'm really excited for you and I think. based on other's blogs, what you are feeling right now is perfectly normal. It's like you are in another TWW!

July 30, 2008 at 9:06 AM  

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