Within An Instant

Within an instant your entire life can change. Your dreams, your hopes, your plans, your expectations; they can all vanish before your very eyes. H and I went to the doctor for our first appointment yesterday. I had secretly hoped for our first scan, and now looking back on the events that transpired I wish I hadn't hoped for a scan at all.

It's difficult for me to describe what happened, but just know that at that very moment we lost our baby. During the first in office scan, the baby's heartbeat was barely detectable but it there was one. By the time we took the second scan, the baby's heartbeat had stopped. Our baby died at the very moment we thought we were going to be celebrating its new life. The doctor said "in all of my twenty plus years, this is the first I've experienced the transition to a miscarriage." There is so much more that could be said, but words escape me. I know for sure this is not what we imagined, but somehow this is what was meant to be.

Where in the World is C & H?

We're here and still chugging along! It's been ages (okay, so not really ages, but over two weeks) since we've posted. Things have been crazy here in the Northwest! Here's a snapshot of what we've been up to:

• About two weeks ago we had our first appointment with our HMO's women's health care facility. Let me start out by saying that this was a HUGE disappointment. First off, they sent us a packet in the mail with the usual "1st visit questionnaire" included for us to fill out and bring to the appointment. They eluded to the fact that this appointment was an "orientation" and mandatory. But, they did not tell us that they were going to herd us and every other pregnant female in Seattle through the same orientation like cattle. We had to sit through an 1.5 hour class going over pregnancy 101. H and I felt like it was a complete waste of time. Did we really have to sit in a room full of other pregnant women to determine our approximate due date? Seriously! What's even more shocking is that these people didn't know how to calculate this information on their own. I was shocked! Then we had to listen to the groups "symptoms", or a.k.a complaints. There was one women who was just four weeks pregnant that complained about EVERYTHING! Her back hurt, she was nauseous, she was constipated, she had itchy skin, she was dizzy, and it went on and on and on. Come on, people...do we really have to rely on our health care system to take care of our basic of basic needs? Is it really that difficult to take charge of your own health or even want to?


• I should also mention that it was rather uncomfortable being the ONLY same-sex couple in the room. We got the usual "you'll be condemned to hell" look from the "christian" couple that had been trying to get pregnant for forever and were really excited that God provided them such a wonderful gift. That same couple felt the need to ask the group "we are so excited about that we are pregnant. When do you think we should tell my mother?" Really? It's not like the nurse practitioner "teaching" the class is a therapist.


• Oh, and I can't forget the best part! H and I had to stay after class because H is 35. It was like the nurse was doing us a favor. "I didn't want to embarrass you, but since you are considered a high risk pregnancy because you are 35, there are some screening tests that we can order for you. They are completely optional, but I thought we would go over your options separately." Are you kidding me?


• After that horrifying nightmare, we decided that we needed to shop around and lay out all of our options. We may have to adhere to all of the HMO's rules, but you better believe we are going to suck as much OUTSTANDING care out of them as we can! We have an appointment next week to see a midwife (also a lesbian) at this clinic. We had a consultation early on in the TTC process and were impressed. It turns out that they are a contracted partner with our HMO, which is fabulous! However, they handle all of their hospital transitions through the same clinic that labeled us with a number and herded us through that horrible class. We also made an appointment at the clinic on the Eastside to meet the midwives that are available at that facility. Hopefully within the next few weeks we'll have settled on a midwife and care facility.


• After all of that, we took a week off of work to just settle down from all the craziness that our life has become over the last year. We decided that we were NOT going to travel anywhere special and would just hunker down in the area and try to really relax, and that's exactly what we did. In the early morning hours, I spent most of my time practicing Hot Yoga while H went to the gym and tinkered. We picked up a heart rate monitor for her to wear while she is on the elliptical or treadmill so she knows exactly how much energy she is exerting. H was pretty content with catching up on Harr.y Po.tter and exercising at the gym, and I was content sweating out every last toxic pollutant I had built up over the last month of bad eating and over-the-top stress at work.


• About mid-week we met up with my ex-sister-in-law to can pickles, peaches and jam. Canning runs in the family and has been passed down from generation to generation. If you were old enough to wear diapers, you were old enough to help clean cucumbers or stuff jars. So, we spent a day getting our hands dirty and canning about 6 dozen pickles, 8 dozen jars of peach/blackberry jam, and 6 dozen jars of peaches. I think she is still used to canning for a family of 12! I know we certainly don't need that many pickles, but now we have a pantry full. I'm not complaining...the family recipe for pickles is sought after and loved by many!


• We also took a day trip to Ed.monds, Port Gamb.le and a few other island towns around the area. We had such a wonderful time window shopping, enjoying a cup or two of coffee (although H thinks that coffee is gross now, which is pretty amazing given that before she was pregnant you could have tattooed 'Star.bucks' on her body and she would have loved it), and read books on the beach. We even stopped in a local bookstore no bigger than our living room and sat down in the children's book aisle and read as many children's books as we could. I think the owner thought were were crazy!

So there you have it...we've been up to allot of things and nothing at the same time. We're officially 9 weeks pregnant as of Monday and go in for our first actual doctor appointment tomorrow. This appointment is with H's OB-GYN and at the same clinic we don't care for, but since we've had it scheduled for awhile we figure we'll keep it and see how it goes. Hopefully this one will be better! Oh, and I'm secretly hoping we can get scheduled for our first scan.

6 Weeks Already?

WOW...we're already in our sixth week! Our first doctor appointment isn't until 8/14 and that's just an orientation. Our first opportunity for an ultra-sound to see what's happening inside won't be until our eighth week, but according to all the books and articles we've read the little one is already starting to develop a heartbeat! Can you believe it? A tiny little embryo less than 1 gram and 1/8th of an inch (that's about as big as a mini chocolate chip or cupcake sprinkle) is already starting to pump blood and the umbilical cord has started to develop. This is absolutely amazing to me. Except for being more tired and having sore boobs, H has been the same as she was before she was preggers. So far there's no sign of morning sickness and she's been reasonably mellow, which is an improvement from last week and the week before. I was starting to wonder if I was going to survive a whole nine months.

I think our biggest adjustment so far has been exercise. Having been heavily active prior to the pregnancy, I think H is mourning over the fact that she's stuck walking or doing light activities at the gym. I know that I miss my workout buddy already! Of course I have Maggie, but that's not the same. H and I were always doing some sort of activity that pushed our bodies to new levels. And to be honest, I need exercise now more than ever. I typically have to push myself to my outer limits on a regular basis for my mind and spirit to remain balanced. If I don't, all those toxins from either negative energy or stress have a field-day inside and start causing havoc. Taking a nice two mile walk with the dogs just doesn't cut it, unless it's after a 6-8 mile run in hill country. I know we'll work it out and it's not like I can't do those things on my own...it's just I miss racing around on some hill with H nipping at my heals pushing me to go harder.

Well, I'd better wrap things up...H is downstairs starting on dinner. The sounds of the pots and pans clanking around is starting to get louder, so that's my queue that I need to get my butt down there and help out.

Chasing My Tail

I’m not much of a procrastinator, but for some reason I’ve been dreading my first “Now That You Know” we’re pregnant post. Since the moment the HPT came back positive, there has been a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions overloading my brain. I’m on overload so much so that I don’t even know where to begin. You know how a Opossum will stand frozen solid if you shine a light at them? That’s how I feel. I’m standing frozen solid in the middle of a busy freeway as cars zoom pass and I don’t know what my next move should be to get myself to the side of the road safely. This is a strange feeling for me. Normally, I’m level-headed, organized, precise. I usually don’t have a problem breaking things down into “baby steps”. I’ve been trying all week to do that in this case, but I find that I’m just running circles around myself – like a dog chasing their tail. Why do dogs chase their tails in the first place? Well, why am I so stuck?

The first week after we found out we were pregnant, I couldn’t sleep and I walked around for days in a haze. I was a kid the night before Christmas. The anticipation of all the activities, toys, games would keep me up until the wee hours of the morning until I finally could no longer hold my head up from exhaustion. This was no different. It took me until the weekend to finally start getting some sleep. I mean some serious sleep. The kind of sleep where you wake up with drool on your pillow and it takes you a few minutes before you realize where you are. I had a heck of a time at work staying focused. If I was to use computer terms, my short-term memory was throwing exceptions and my hard drive crashed. I was way out of whack. I tried to keep to my running and yoga, but that was nearly impossible. My mind immediately started making a list of all the things that we need to start thinking about. On top of that, I was running behind H like she was a glass vase teetering on the edge of the kitchen counter over a hardwood floor. I was paranoid that we were going to do something “wrong”.

You have to understand that for the most part I’m really not normally like this. From time to time I can go in and out of my funks, but who doesn’t? I do tend to get ahead of myself on occasion. Okay, so a lot. But, I’ve been really working on bringing my awareness back to the present moment. Yoga and meditation help me tremendously with staying grounded. So, when Monday rolled around, I set my intention on remembering the present and really enjoying the “now”. While I can say that I’m not entirely back to my normal self, I’m getting there. I’ve given myself permission to really enjoy this process with H and this time in our lives. I’m not going to allow my fear of the unknown, or worries about money, or anything else get in the way of this absolutely amazing journey. Bottom line…the plan is to stop chasing my tail!

Inner Struggles

Since we found out that I'm pregnant we've been walking around in a fog. We've been cautiously excited about being pregnant. We know it's early and personally I've read too many blogs with sad developments in the 1st trimester.

On a personal note I'm having an inner struggle with myself. One part of me wants to be free to enjoy this part of my pregnancy but another doesn't want to set myself up for extreme disappointment. Sometimes I loathe the logical side of me or perhaps what I loathe is not being free. When I was growing up I learned early on not to get to excited about big events my parents planned. Somehow most of the events like Christmas , Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Easter usually got delayed, ruined, or succumbed to parents simply shrugging them off. It's not to say that I didn't have a good childhood. It's just that after awhile I stopped getting excited about those big events and just waited for the day. If we celebrated great! If not I hadn't set myself up to be disappointed.

I do believe that whatever is meant to be will be for this new life we've created and that there's nothing I can really do to change the outcome. But it's hard. How do I tap into the free loving side of me that was so prevalent in my early 20's? Why has life made me even more of a cynic? Perhaps it will get easier after I have my first appt. I can't wait until August 14th! Only 15 more days to go.

Operation - Save Moola for Baby! Mission 1

For some time now we been throwing around the idea of getting rid of our beast (aka The Tahoe) and consolidating down to one car. Yes, we were a two car family that only drove one car. The beast sat in the driveway during the week and went out for special trips to the dog park, C*ostco, etc. during the weekend. When we bought the beast it seemed practical for our lifestyle. A few years ago when we lived in the city we were toting around dogs to dog parks, carting around friends to events and renovating houses on the side. But things changed and we moved out the country (aka I*ssaquah). Driving the beast into the city was no longer practical. So this weekend we spiffed up our beast & our little lovable beetle and traded them in for a used P*assat. We are now officially a one car family! A few of our friends have told us that we'll regret not having two cars but I think it was the right move to make. Besides, part of the goal was to have only one car payment so we could save money for the bambino. That alone was worth it! So, when the bambino comes C will either take the car into work or I'll drop her off at the park n ride near our house. We have an express bus into the city that gets you there in 30 minutes flat. And after my maternity leave we'll all trot into the city via the carpool lanes. Yes, I'm painting a pretty picture. But work with me people! One car has got to work for our little family. Have you seen the cost of daycare or nannies? Okay...I'm getting way ahead of myself now. But I'm a planner and that's what I do.

I'm beginning to ramble so I better go see what C is doing in the kitchen. I think I smell garlic.

The Weekend in a Nutshell

I'm finally crashing from the all the excitement of the weekend. On Saturday I was up at the crack of dawn. I just couldn't sleep so I decided to surf the Internet and catch up on e-mails. By the time C was up at 7 I had been up for almost 2 hours. It was a little odd for her because I'm usually the one that can't drag my butt out of bed on the weekend. Once C was up we took our 2nd HPT since Thursday and it resulted in a very faint test band. After the test on Saturday I couldn't focus. We decided to not test again until Sunday. I was wandering around the house like I was a little kid getting ready to go to Disneyland. I couldn't sleep on Saturday night and was up at at crack of dawn on Sunday to take another HPT. This time the results were 'Pregnant'. I was in shock and went to tell C who was still sound asleep. I didn't even have to wake her up. She somehow knew that I walked into the room and woke up immediately. I told her the news and she was so EXCITED I thought she was going to wake up the neighbors. I'm still absorbing the idea of being pregnant. It's one thing thinking you might be pregnant and another actually knowing. It's mind blowing! I don't know how else to describe it. I go to the HMO lab tomorrow to take my "Official" pregnancy test and once I have the results I can make my first appointment.

List of pregnancy symptoms thus far:

• bloated (I feel like a thanksgiving turkey, all stuffed),
• huge tender boobs (and ladies my boobs are not small to begin with, I'm kind of scared to see how big they're going to get)
• I'm tired
• oh and if you ask C she would say that I'm snippy. I haven't really noticed. ; )

The Results

We're pregnant. It's totally surreal.



More later...

Peace

Home Pregnancy Tests

Today is CD 26 and 13 DPO...and we're still hopeful! We promised ourselves that we would wait through today before we tested again. H is convinced that if she does another HPT first thing in the morning, her hCG in her urine will be "stronger" so the results might be more accurate.

The National Women's Health Information Center website posted similar information:
"The amount of hCG or pregnancy hormone in your urine increases with time. So, the earlier after a missed period you take the test the harder it is to spot the hCG. If you wait one week after a missed period to test, you are more apt to have an accurate result. Also, testing your urine first thing in the morning may boost the accuracy."

We are both very hopeful...it's not over!

To Test or Not to Test?

H and I were in torment over when we should test. I was okay with testing early, as long as the results were positive. I didn't really think about how it would feel it the test results were not positive. We shouldn't have tested. We tested at CD 22 and it didn't make the waiting game any easier. Now we're just waiting for something else...for CD 25, 26, 27 and beyond. We were so excited to take our first pregnancy test, and we were both devastated that the results were 'Not Pregnant'. I didn't think I would be so emotional. Normally, I'm pretty level-headed, down to earth, and positive. Now we're convinced there is still hope. We're convinced that the test is wrong. Today is CD 25 and 12 DPO...still no period.

Posted by "C"