May Update

Here's the latest. I'm 6 Weeks 1 Day pregnant and I'm scared to death. Scared to be excited. Scared to be hopeful. Scared NOT to be hopeful. Scared to think of the future. After two miscarriages I don't want to be devastated once again. But on a good note my body is making it hard to ignore. I'm nauseous in the afternoon, I'm bloated, I get heartburn, I get so tired, and my boobs hurt. But then I think how much of my symptoms are being magnified from the progesterone suppositories that I'm sticking in my hoo-hoo every night. I just wish the whole process wasn't such a mind F#ck. For those who may be thinking...Wow she sure doesn't seem grateful to be pregnant when so many can't even get that far... well, I have this to say. Try having two miscarriages back to back and see how much your over the moon to be pregnant. My batting avg is 0. When we started this blog we made a conscious effort to censor allot of our emotions. But f#ck that. This blog is for me and this is real life. And sometimes it SUCKS and that's okay.

I have a doctor appt next week to see how things are progressing. Until then I remain several variations of scared.

On a happier note. We're going to do the lesbian thing tomorrow night. The Indigo Girls are in town and we scored some tickets. Should be fun. I'm always amazed how many of our peeps come out of the woodwork in our town.

Hitting a wall

I don't know what happened to the last post. I was trying to update it and it disappeared. The new update is that I'm not pregnant. It all ended on 2/27. Apparently, I suffered a chemical pregnancy. I was 4 Weeks 3 days. My doctor had no words of wisdom. Nothing. Her comment was "At least we know you can get pregnant". WTF! I want to STAY pregnant. How about that you f@$#@ doctor! I have a stupid HMO health plan and they're not willing to pay for anything extra. I just want to know what I can do on my own that may help. I'm at a loss. I don't have caffeine, drink and I exercise regularly. I know a short list but I really try to maintain a somewhat healthy lifestyle. So, any words of wisdom out there from anyone?

I need a bib

I just had my 3 remaining wisdom teeth pulled this afternoon and finally was allowed to eat. So, I made myself some brothy soup and sat down to catch up on some blogs. Well, half way into my soup I look down and I'm covered in soup. I guess I didn't notice that I was dribbling all over myself. The total bottom part of mouth is completely numb. I'm a sight to see. Maybe I should pull one of those baby bibs I have in storage out. I could sure use one right now.

20 days till Christmas...

Our blog needs some serious updating. We still have the spring look going and we're almost officially winter. That's a bad sign. Things have been going well at the home of remodeling. We most recently decided to replace all our interior doors after deciding that we didn't like the painted look on the old doors. Hopefully, we can get them all in before the family comes for Christmas. I can't believe that x-mas is less than 3 weeks away. I'm soooooo not ready. I haven't done a darn thing to prepare. There's no lights up outside, I haven't put up the Christmas tree and the Christmas card list hasn't been started. Maybe, the card list will have to slide this year. hmmm...I'll have to think about that one.

On the fertility front not much has been going on. I need to do some serious detoxing. I still haven't figured out how not to feed my face with whatever I want. I've need to get back on track if I want any hope of getting pregnant in the future. It's not that I'm being horrible but I don't think the bag of peanut M&M's I polished off yesterday afternoon was exactly boosting my fertility. I just don't have the same self control. But I have a magical 2 weeks off during Christmas and I plan to go and do hot yoga everyday. WooHoo!!! I'm really looking forward to it. I guess in the back of my mind I hope to turn a new leaf once I get back into yoga. It's really hard to make bad food choices when you do hot yoga. If you do, you really pay for it.

We have yet to have the big "talk". I think "C" has been preoccupied with the house and work. She makes some references to trying again but we haven't sat down and mapped it out. Also, she's has some long term plans for the house that concern me. We can't exactly be remodeling the kitchen & bathrooms and actively TTC. I don't know about you but my money tree ran out along time ago. TTC is expensive and the last time I checked remodeling a kitchen isn't exactly cheap. And....I'm not getting any younger. We'll see.

Latest & Greatest

It's been a whirlwind of events since we closed on our new home. Between moving, work and all the renovation projects we've been doing it hasn't left much time for our personal blog. We finally got our keys to our new home on October 9th and on October 10th we were at our new home removing popcorn ceilings, baseboards & door casing, ceiling fans, 12 ft baseboard heaters and last but not least ugly vinyl curtains.

I must say we are so happy to be done with the popcorn ceilings. They were disgusting! It took us about 4 days to remove all the popcorn. Why not hire a contractor you ask? Well, all the bids came in around $4000. HA!!! After we had the ceiling tested and found it contained absolutely no asbestos we decided that there was no way we would spend that money on someone coming in and doing it for us. Besides with the savings we were able to buy all new appliances. Yippee!!! I've never had the pleasure of owning new appliances. It so nice to cook on a stove that actually has four working burners.

After we finished the popcorn ceilings we moved on to all the painting. If I never see another paint brush in my life I would be okay with that. The painting was daunting. We decided to go with more neutral colors. Our main wall color is a subtle light brown. Our friends call it latte or mocha. I think that's ironic since I LOVE coffee. We decided that we would go back over time and do some accent walls when we have more time to deliberate over colors. Our main objective was to get some fresh paint on the walls.

Right now C is working on getting the baseboards and door casing in for the entire house. I must say she's doing an awesome job. I think she loves using all the power tools. Frankly, the miter saw and air nail gun scare me. I don't like messing around with those things. So, I'm so glad that she's willing to work on this by herself. We had some touch and go moments in the beginning trying to figure out angles to cut the baseboard but she has it down to a science now. She has what she calls a little baseboard graveyard in the garage.

After the baseboard were almost done with this round of renovations. We wanted to do so much more and C is still mourning not being able to put wood floors in on the main level but we'll get there eventually. She wanted one area with wood floors to practice yoga.

On the TTC front I'm sure you've already guessed that not much is going on. I've taken a two month break from any monitoring and it's been nice not to focus on baby making. Not that we don't think about it occasionally. I still know that this would be week 20. It seems like ages ago but at the same time it feels like yesterday. I've moved on and feel that in my heart that a baby at that time just wasn't meant to be for us. Perhaps, the baby's destiny was to get us into our house. It wasn't until I lost the baby that we decided to take the plunge into home ownership. I have to believe that the life of our baby had a purpose and perhaps I'm just grasping at straws but I do believe everything happens for a reason. Nothing is left up to chance and there is a lesson to be learned with the good and bad in your life. You just have to be willing to open your eyes & heart.

So, where does that leave us in the TTC process for the future? We decided that we would tentatively start TTC in the new year. We haven't decided if we will move to a new donor. Part of me wants to leave behind the old donor. Perhaps, we just weren't compatible. But there is the part where we have 4 paid for vials. If we do decide to switch we may go with a 'known' donor. eek! We have some big decisions to make over the holidays.

After the 'procedure' my doctor told me to hold off for a few cycles. It's interesting how things have changed in my body. For example, my cycle went haywire. I used to bleed for maybe 2-3 days with light spotting for 2 days. Now I'm heavy for 6+ days with a 21-24 day cycle. It's like being a teenager again. Not fun at all. I'm actually having 'whoops' moments when it comes to leaking. I haven't had these issues in years. Oh, and any weight that I lost after the pregnancy I gained right back. It seems I like soothing myself with food and with the renovations I haven't made time for exercise. So, my plan is to get back into the yoga & running. I ran 2 miles yesterday at the gym so at least I've started something. I just wish Hot Yoga wasn't so freakin expensive.

Oh, and lastly I turned 36 on November 2nd. We didn't do anything special on the day but have a special dinner planned. However, I did get a big birthday present on the 4th. President Elect Barrack Obama! Hope certainly did Win. Now we just have to work on Prop 8 in CA. That was a huge disappointment and set back for equality. I'm a native Californian and it disturbs me to think that 61% of California believe in Hope and voted for Barrack but 52% don't believe in equality. Whatever happened to the separation of church and state? If you would like your voice to be heard sign the petition. It may not help but sign it anyway, because it’s the right thing to do. Please spread the word!! You do not have to live in CA to sign it!Investigate the Mormon Church for Prop 8 Involvement

Well, that's all for now. I'm sure C has a post coming soon.