Now That You Know

Moving...Again

2010-03-02T18:37:00.001-08:00

Well, I think I’ve had it with iWeb. I love the application, but it just doesn’t provide as much widget integration that you can get from some of the open source blogshere tools available. It was worth trying it out for awhile, but we’re moving our blog again. You can find us at Living Contently on wordpress.com (URL below).

http://livingcontently.wordpress.com/

We hope you continue to follow us at our new home.

New Blog

2009-10-31T17:38:00.000-07:00

Hi, Blogshere! We've decided to more our site and try out iWeb. So far it seems pretty easy! You can find us at Life is Not a List.

May Update

2009-05-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

Here's the latest. I'm 6 Weeks 1 Day pregnant and I'm scared to death. Scared to be excited. Scared to be hopeful. Scared NOT to be hopeful. Scared to think of the future. After two miscarriages I don't want to be devastated once again. But on a good note my body is making it hard to ignore. I'm nauseous in the afternoon, I'm bloated, I get heartburn, I get so tired, and my boobs hurt. But then I think how much of my symptoms are being magnified from the progesterone suppositories that I'm sticking in my hoo-hoo every night. I just wish the whole process wasn't such a mind F#ck. For those who may be thinking...Wow she sure doesn't seem grateful to be pregnant when so many can't even get that far... well, I have this to say. Try having two miscarriages back to back and see how much your over the moon to be pregnant. My batting avg is 0. When we started this blog we made a conscious effort to censor allot of our emotions. But f#ck that. This blog is for me and this is real life. And sometimes it SUCKS and that's okay.

I have a doctor appt next week to see how things are progressing. Until then I remain several variations of scared.

On a happier note. We're going to do the lesbian thing tomorrow night. The Indigo Girls are in town and we scored some tickets. Should be fun. I'm always amazed how many of our peeps come out of the woodwork in our town.

Hitting a wall

2009-03-10T08:11:00.000-07:00

I don't know what happened to the last post. I was trying to update it and it disappeared. The new update is that I'm not pregnant. It all ended on 2/27. Apparently, I suffered a chemical pregnancy. I was 4 Weeks 3 days. My doctor had no words of wisdom. Nothing. Her comment was "At least we know you can get pregnant". WTF! I want to STAY pregnant. How about that you f@$#@ doctor! I have a stupid HMO health plan and they're not willing to pay for anything extra. I just want to know what I can do on my own that may help. I'm at a loss. I don't have caffeine, drink and I exercise regularly. I know a short list but I really try to maintain a somewhat healthy lifestyle. So, any words of wisdom out there from anyone?

I need a bib

2008-12-19T15:47:00.000-08:00

I just had my 3 remaining wisdom teeth pulled this afternoon and finally was allowed to eat. So, I made myself some brothy soup and sat down to catch up on some blogs. Well, half way into my soup I look down and I'm covered in soup. I guess I didn't notice that I was dribbling all over myself. The total bottom part of mouth is completely numb. I'm a sight to see. Maybe I should pull one of those baby bibs I have in storage out. I could sure use one right now.

20 days till Christmas...

2008-12-05T08:14:00.001-08:00

Our blog needs some serious updating. We still have the spring look going and we're almost officially winter. That's a bad sign. Things have been going well at the home of remodeling. We most recently decided to replace all our interior doors after deciding that we didn't like the painted look on the old doors. Hopefully, we can get them all in before the family comes for Christmas. I can't believe that x-mas is less than 3 weeks away. I'm soooooo not ready. I haven't done a darn thing to prepare. There's no lights up outside, I haven't put up the Christmas tree and the Christmas card list hasn't been started. Maybe, the card list will have to slide this year. hmmm...I'll have to think about that one.

On the fertility front not much has been going on. I need to do some serious detoxing. I still haven't figured out how not to feed my face with whatever I want. I've need to get back on track if I want any hope of getting pregnant in the future. It's not that I'm being horrible but I don't think the bag of peanut M&M's I polished off yesterday afternoon was exactly boosting my fertility. I just don't have the same self control. But I have a magical 2 weeks off during Christmas and I plan to go and do hot yoga everyday. WooHoo!!! I'm really looking forward to it. I guess in the back of my mind I hope to turn a new leaf once I get back into yoga. It's really hard to make bad food choices when you do hot yoga. If you do, you really pay for it.

We have yet to have the big "talk". I think "C" has been preoccupied with the house and work. She makes some references to trying again but we haven't sat down and mapped it out. Also, she's has some long term plans for the house that concern me. We can't exactly be remodeling the kitchen & bathrooms and actively TTC. I don't know about you but my money tree ran out along time ago. TTC is expensive and the last time I checked remodeling a kitchen isn't exactly cheap. And....I'm not getting any younger. We'll see.

Latest & Greatest

2008-11-10T10:36:00.000-08:00

It's been a whirlwind of events since we closed on our new home. Between moving, work and all the renovation projects we've been doing it hasn't left much time for our personal blog. We finally got our keys to our new home on October 9th and on October 10th we were at our new home removing popcorn ceilings, baseboards & door casing, ceiling fans, 12 ft baseboard heaters and last but not least ugly vinyl curtains.

I must say we are so happy to be done with the popcorn ceilings. They were disgusting! It took us about 4 days to remove all the popcorn. Why not hire a contractor you ask? Well, all the bids came in around $4000. HA!!! After we had the ceiling tested and found it contained absolutely no asbestos we decided that there was no way we would spend that money on someone coming in and doing it for us. Besides with the savings we were able to buy all new appliances. Yippee!!! I've never had the pleasure of owning new appliances. It so nice to cook on a stove that actually has four working burners.

After we finished the popcorn ceilings we moved on to all the painting. If I never see another paint brush in my life I would be okay with that. The painting was daunting. We decided to go with more neutral colors. Our main wall color is a subtle light brown. Our friends call it latte or mocha. I think that's ironic since I LOVE coffee. We decided that we would go back over time and do some accent walls when we have more time to deliberate over colors. Our main objective was to get some fresh paint on the walls.

Right now C is working on getting the baseboards and door casing in for the entire house. I must say she's doing an awesome job. I think she loves using all the power tools. Frankly, the miter saw and air nail gun scare me. I don't like messing around with those things. So, I'm so glad that she's willing to work on this by herself. We had some touch and go moments in the beginning trying to figure out angles to cut the baseboard but she has it down to a science now. She has what she calls a little baseboard graveyard in the garage.

After the baseboard were almost done with this round of renovations. We wanted to do so much more and C is still mourning not being able to put wood floors in on the main level but we'll get there eventually. She wanted one area with wood floors to practice yoga.

On the TTC front I'm sure you've already guessed that not much is going on. I've taken a two month break from any monitoring and it's been nice not to focus on baby making. Not that we don't think about it occasionally. I still know that this would be week 20. It seems like ages ago but at the same time it feels like yesterday. I've moved on and feel that in my heart that a baby at that time just wasn't meant to be for us. Perhaps, the baby's destiny was to get us into our house. It wasn't until I lost the baby that we decided to take the plunge into home ownership. I have to believe that the life of our baby had a purpose and perhaps I'm just grasping at straws but I do believe everything happens for a reason. Nothing is left up to chance and there is a lesson to be learned with the good and bad in your life. You just have to be willing to open your eyes & heart.

So, where does that leave us in the TTC process for the future? We decided that we would tentatively start TTC in the new year. We haven't decided if we will move to a new donor. Part of me wants to leave behind the old donor. Perhaps, we just weren't compatible. But there is the part where we have 4 paid for vials. If we do decide to switch we may go with a 'known' donor. eek! We have some big decisions to make over the holidays.

After the 'procedure' my doctor told me to hold off for a few cycles. It's interesting how things have changed in my body. For example, my cycle went haywire. I used to bleed for maybe 2-3 days with light spotting for 2 days. Now I'm heavy for 6+ days with a 21-24 day cycle. It's like being a teenager again. Not fun at all. I'm actually having 'whoops' moments when it comes to leaking. I haven't had these issues in years. Oh, and any weight that I lost after the pregnancy I gained right back. It seems I like soothing myself with food and with the renovations I haven't made time for exercise. So, my plan is to get back into the yoga & running. I ran 2 miles yesterday at the gym so at least I've started something. I just wish Hot Yoga wasn't so freakin expensive.

Oh, and lastly I turned 36 on November 2nd. We didn't do anything special on the day but have a special dinner planned. However, I did get a big birthday present on the 4th. President Elect Barrack Obama! Hope certainly did Win. Now we just have to work on Prop 8 in CA. That was a huge disappointment and set back for equality. I'm a native Californian and it disturbs me to think that 61% of California believe in Hope and voted for Barrack but 52% don't believe in equality. Whatever happened to the separation of church and state? If you would like your voice to be heard sign the petition. It may not help but sign it anyway, because it’s the right thing to do. Please spread the word!! You do not have to live in CA to sign it!Investigate the Mormon Church for Prop 8 Involvement

Well, that's all for now. I'm sure C has a post coming soon.

Closing & The New Place

2008-10-09T05:41:00.000-07:00

Well, it’s official! We signed the closing papers yesterday afternoon and should have our keys by this evening. Unfortunately, the hard part is next…moving. It is amazing how many books one can accumulate over the years. I keep asking H “do we really need a copy of this or that” only for her to reply “what if you want to read it to your kids someday?” Okay, good point…so the books stay. Eighteen boxes later and nearly every single book is packed. Carrying that many boxes downstairs to the garage was quite the workout! I think I’m either getting old or I’m out of shape. How am I supposed to carry a child around if I think this is hard work? Yikes!

This weekend is reserved for the new place. It needs a fresh coat of paint, we have some appliance shopping to do, and I need to dig out tools from my younger days and try and flex my carpentry skills. Oh, and I can’t forget my favorite…removing the awful popcorn ceiling! We did have a contractor come in and provide estimates, but I can’t justify spending nearly $16k on minor repairs. No Way! We may be getting older and a bit out of practice, but we are fully capable of handling most of the repairs ourselves.

Speaking of ‘older’, H turns 36 in three weeks! I nearly had a heart attack yesterday when I realized that it was just around the corner. Her birthday is on the 2nd of November, but with all the political campaign following, house planning, settling into fall, looking forward to our traditional October runs, etc., it just feels like time creeps up on you! At least I still have time to plan.

Moving & Moving Forward

2008-10-06T06:16:00.000-07:00

We are here, alive, and I can say honestly that we are doing well. It has been an emotional journey since the miscarriage. Both H and I have dealt with our grief differently, but we are slowly healing. So much has happened that we really should have blogged about. In fact, some of it was very blog worthy, but we’ve found it difficult to write about how we feel when we need it the most. The buying of “the house” process has been fairly painless to date. Outside of the grief we are getting from our current landlord, the whole process has been completely in alignment. We should close sometime this week. There are so many incredible stories to tell in between the time we made the commitment to find our first house and finally getting the keys, but those will have to come another time. I will say that this has never felt more right. Both H and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I realize that statement is pretty vague, but if it hadn’t been for the miscarriage I wouldn’t be sitting here this morning writing about our new home; a place where our future baby will grow up. There will be a future baby; we will try again, but we just don’t know when. We are still both very emotionally cautious, but we are not giving up.

I really should start getting ready for work. We are alive, we are healing, we are moving past this, and we are looking forward to making new memories in our new home. Let’s hope we get the keys by Thursday. This should be the last time we move for a long, long time!

Life Plans

2008-09-08T11:39:00.000-07:00

It's been a tough 10 days and mostly I've been sad. C thinks I'm suffering from a form of post-partum. Who knows maybe she's right. I just can't seem to stop thinking about my life in terms of weeks. For instance, I would have been 11 weeks today. When do you stop thinking about it? C has been doing a great job of being patient with me. I've been having horrible mood swings. In the mornings I wake up refreshed and ready to go but by noon I'm done. I'm tired of seeing happy little families enjoying their time at the park or in the malls. I can't even go to Star*ucks without seeing a freakin pregnant lady.

It's been hard to know what do next. I've been asking what do we do with our lives now? Everything for the last year has been focused around our plans to have a baby. If we're not doing the baby thing than what do we do? Our life before we started trying seemed fulfilling so why does the thought of going back to it seem so empty? C says that we don't have to make any decisions right now. I need time to physically heal and we both need time to emotionally heal. So we tentatively set a date of my birthday to decide what to do next.

My new game plan was to come up with new goals, new distractions that don't revolve around a baby. I decided to do another 1/2 marathon. I've picked a race but I don't know if I can be ready in less than 6 weeks without injuring myself. My first couple of runs have been crappy. In fact, my first run was a disaster. We decided that we would run some flats and see would run with me for 1.5 miles before I turned around to get the car and pick her up at the 5 mile point. I figured a nice three mile run would do me good. Well for the first 1.5 I did fine. I wasn't happy but I was plugging along with C by my side. Then I headed back by myself to get the car and pick her up. Apparently, I wasn't ready to be run alone. I was a blubbering mess by the time I reached the car. Everything just hit me at once. I'm sure some of the folks on the trail thought I was a bit unstable.

Another one of our distractions is were in the process of buying a house. C loves the hunt but I can't stand it. I see things in our price range and they seem so small and cramped. I want a remodeled house with a yard but unless we hit the lottery that's not going to happen. We've been looking at townhouses with small yards and no garages. How I'm I supposed to fit everything into a 900 Sq Ft house with no storage? C has been hinting at unloading some of our stuff. It's not that were pack rats. We currently have a garage that we keep numerous odds and ends. Some of which is sports related. Where are we going to keep the bikes? Hanging from the ceiling in the living room? C says that we have to take a step back and look at the big picture. According to C these townhouses will be a great investment and we'll should have a decent amount of equity in a few years time. A few years time? I can't even begin to think beyond tomorrow right now.

Anyhoo, that's our lives in a nutshell.

Strength

2008-08-30T12:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an incredibly difficult day for both H and I. For me personally, I needed the strength of a twenty-thousand ton semi to power through, but I was as fragile as a lone dandelion in an empty field standing tall against the wind.

H and I had what is labeled as a Missed Miscarriage. If you don't want to know the details then stop reading. According to the doctor, a missed miscarriage or incomplete miscarriage is a rare type of miscarriage where the body fails to recognize the death of an unborn child and does not simultaneously abort. Based on what we were told, it was clear that H's body was not going to miscarry on its own. We were told we had only a couple of options.

1. The doctor would prescribe misoprostol, which would or can cause the body to expel the fetus. It could take up to a few hours or as long as a month.

2. The doctor could preform a D & C. Also known as dilation and curettage. This is the same procedure that is done for women who want to abort a pregnancy.

Given our circumstances the doctor did not feel that the body would respond naturally and felt that H was at risk for serious complications if we did not expel the fetus as soon as possible. With that, H and I didn't really feel like we had very many options. We agreed that we would go ahead with the D & C. Once we made the decision, it was back to herding us through the system like cattle. Don't get me wrong, the medical staff were incredibly sympathetic and supportive, but we were just one of eleven or twelve patients they would see that day performing the same procedure.

H woke up early around 5AM to empty her bladder and take the misoprostol. She was not allowed any food or water, so she climbed back into bed and waited. We laid there together holding hands and saying nothing. I think both of us were terrified to even move, terrified that the medication would force the fetus to miscarry. At this point, neither one of us wanted that to happen in our own home. I suppose we were terrified of the unknown, either unknown. The unknown of how she would react to the medication, the unknown of what the procedure would be like, the unknown of how we would feel when it was all over, the unknown of what we would do now; it was all very overwhelming.

By 8:30 AM we were on the road to the clinic. By 9:30 we had parked, walked the long route to the office, and had checked in. Thankfully we were alone in the waiting room. We sat there staring at the clock and hoping that we had made the right decision. Still H did not feel any different. She still felt pregnant. I kept wondering if it was possible that everything that had happened up to this point was a mistake, a cruel mistake. I knew deep in my heart it wasn't, but how could this be happening? What did we do wrong? I know you're not suppose to think that we did anything that caused this, but how can you not?

Our appointment was at 9:40 AM, and by 9:39 AM the nurse called us back. There was no turning back now. The procedure room was incredibly tiny, claustrophobic small. The nurse opened the door, told me to sit in the little blue chair and for H to sit up on the table. She went through the usual rounds, capturing weight, blood pressure, pulse, etc. There were words coming out of her mouth, but as hard as I tried I couldn't hear them. She handed us the consent form and gave us a few minutes to read through it. I had an overwhelming sense of guilt overcome me. How could I have let this happen? I would have given anything to make the situation different, to take H away and replace myself in her shoes. It was so unfair for her to have to be the one to go through this. I'm the one that has been versed in going through these types of things, I'm the one with all the patient experience, I'm the one that should have been up on that table, not H. She's been my rock through years, hours of chemotherapy. She's been my rock through all the good nurses, bad nurses. She's been my rock through everything. I couldn't help but wonder how she found the strength, but I needed to find my own. I needed to be strong for her, for me.

At 9:50 AM, the doctor and assisting nurse entered the room. The moment the assisting nurse walked in, H and I looked at each other. H made some sny remark under her breath, and I let out a sarcastic sigh and said "oh, great...you're the 1 in 5 nurse!". She looked at me in confusion, so I was more precise with my words, "you're the nurse that facilitated the orientation and said that 1 out of every 5 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. There were 5 pregnant women in that room. I wish you would have never said that." She countered with, "Oh, well yes, that's the statistic." You callus bitch I thought, but I let it go because I could see that H was getting agitated.

At 10:00 AM, the nurse gave H a narcotic (not sure the name of the medication). The medication was to help with pain management. She advised H and she would feel like she had one too many drinks and that the room would spin from front to back, like a movie projector. As H was adjusting to the medication, the procedure had already started. I reached out for her hand and she held it firmly. There was an incredible amount of strength within her grip. This was it. The doctor turned the curettage machine on and the hum from the machine filled the room. It stayed that way for a few minutes and then the doctor turned some knob or pressed some pedal on the machine and it started to sound like it was powering down. I took a deep breath and though that wasn't so ba-, and the next sound to fill the room was one I would give anything to forget. Have you ever heard the nights silence get interrupted with the sound of a cat scream? I hate that sound because it fills my imagination with horrible images. This too will be a sound that I will remember. By 10:15 it was over.

I don't know where we go from here, and for the time being I think we are okay with not knowing. But I can tell you that this day and the next will require an inner strength so great it's hard to imagine it is possible.

Within An Instant

2008-08-28T15:55:00.000-07:00

Within an instant your entire life can change. Your dreams, your hopes, your plans, your expectations; they can all vanish before your very eyes. H and I went to the doctor for our first appointment yesterday. I had secretly hoped for our first scan, and now looking back on the events that transpired I wish I hadn't hoped for a scan at all.

It's difficult for me to describe what happened, but just know that at that very moment we lost our baby. During the first in office scan, the baby's heartbeat was barely detectable but it there was one. By the time we took the second scan, the baby's heartbeat had stopped. Our baby died at the very moment we thought we were going to be celebrating its new life. The doctor said "in all of my twenty plus years, this is the first I've experienced the transition to a miscarriage." There is so much more that could be said, but words escape me. I know for sure this is not what we imagined, but somehow this is what was meant to be.

Where in the World is C & H?

2008-08-26T17:03:00.000-07:00

We're here and still chugging along! It's been ages (okay, so not really ages, but over two weeks) since we've posted. Things have been crazy here in the Northwest! Here's a snapshot of what we've been up to:

About two weeks ago we had our first appointment with our HMO's women's health care facility. Let me start out by saying that this was a HUGE disappointment. First off, they sent us a packet in the mail with the usual "1st visit questionnaire" included for us to fill out and bring to the appointment. They eluded to the fact that this appointment was an "orientation" and mandatory. But, they did not tell us that they were going to herd us and every other pregnant female in Seattle through the same orientation like cattle. We had to sit through an 1.5 hour class going over pregnancy 101. H and I felt like it was a complete waste of time. Did we really have to sit in a room full of other pregnant women to determine our approximate due date? Seriously! What's even more shocking is that these people didn't know how to calculate this information on their own. I was shocked! Then we had to listen to the groups "symptoms", or a.k.a complaints. There was one women who was just four weeks pregnant that complained about EVERYTHING! Her back hurt, she was nauseous, she was constipated, she had itchy skin, she was dizzy, and it went on and on and on. Come on, people...do we really have to rely on our health care system to take care of our basic of basic needs? Is it really that difficult to take charge of your own health or even want to?

I should also mention that it was rather uncomfortable being the ONLY same-sex couple in the room. We got the usual "you'll be condemned to hell" look from the "christian" couple that had been trying to get pregnant for forever and were really excited that God provided them such a wonderful gift. That same couple felt the need to ask the group "we are so excited about that we are pregnant. When do you think we should tell my mother?" Really? It's not like the nurse practitioner "teaching" the class is a therapist.

Oh, and I can't forget the best part! H and I had to stay after class because H is 35. It was like the nurse was doing us a favor. "I didn't want to embarrass you, but since you are considered a high risk pregnancy because you are 35, there are some screening tests that we can order for you. They are completely optional, but I thought we would go over your options separately." Are you kidding me?

After that horrifying nightmare, we decided that we needed to shop around and lay out all of our options. We may have to adhere to all of the HMO's rules, but you better believe we are going to suck as much OUTSTANDING care out of them as we can! We have an appointment next week to see a midwife (also a lesbian) at this clinic. We had a consultation early on in the TTC process and were impressed. It turns out that they are a contracted partner with our HMO, which is fabulous! However, they handle all of their hospital transitions through the same clinic that labeled us with a number and herded us through that horrible class. We also made an appointment at the clinic on the Eastside to meet the midwives that are available at that facility. Hopefully within the next few weeks we'll have settled on a midwife and care facility.

After all of that, we took a week off of work to just settle down from all the craziness that our life has become over the last year. We decided that we were NOT going to travel anywhere special and would just hunker down in the area and try to really relax, and that's exactly what we did. In the early morning hours, I spent most of my time practicing Hot Yoga while H went to the gym and tinkered. We picked up a heart rate monitor for her to wear while she is on the elliptical or treadmill so she knows exactly how much energy she is exerting. H was pretty content with catching up on Harr.y Po.tter and exercising at the gym, and I was content sweating out every last toxic pollutant I had built up over the last month of bad eating and over-the-top stress at work.

About mid-week we met up with my ex-sister-in-law to can pickles, peaches and jam. Canning runs in the family and has been passed down from generation to generation. If you were old enough to wear diapers, you were old enough to help clean cucumbers or stuff jars. So, we spent a day getting our hands dirty and canning about 6 dozen pickles, 8 dozen jars of peach/blackberry jam, and 6 dozen jars of peaches. I think she is still used to canning for a family of 12! I know we certainly don't need that many pickles, but now we have a pantry full. I'm not complaining...the family recipe for pickles is sought after and loved by many!

We also took a day trip to Ed.monds, Port Gamb.le and a few other island towns around the area. We had such a wonderful time window shopping, enjoying a cup or two of coffee (although H thinks that coffee is gross now, which is pretty amazing given that before she was pregnant you could have tattooed 'Star.bucks' on her body and she would have loved it), and read books on the beach. We even stopped in a local bookstore no bigger than our living room and sat down in the children's book aisle and read as many children's books as we could. I think the owner thought were were crazy!

So there you have it...we've been up to allot of things and nothing at the same time. We're officially 9 weeks pregnant as of Monday and go in for our first actual doctor appointment tomorrow. This appointment is with H's OB-GYN and at the same clinic we don't care for, but since we've had it scheduled for awhile we figure we'll keep it and see how it goes. Hopefully this one will be better! Oh, and I'm secretly hoping we can get scheduled for our first scan.

True Love IS Priceless

2008-08-10T17:57:00.000-07:00

H went to a baby shower this afternoon, so I went for a bike ride. I was 1/3 of the way up Nor.way Hill when Ben Harp.er's song 'Not Fire Not Ice' started playing on my iP.od. I couldn't help but think of H and how far we've come over the years. My favorite line..."there's nothing can keep me from loving you". The timing of the song was impeccable. It was as if the hill didn't even exist.

18 Years - 8/10/08

2008-08-10T08:32:00.000-07:00

Happy Anniversary, H! Eighteen years seems like a long time on paper, but it feels like it was just yesterday that we started out on this journey together. Now look at us...we have a baby on the way, we are rich in love and life, and we have a lifetime of love still to give. You are simply the most beautiful soul I know. I'm blessed to have found my soul mate so early in life. It's made for an incredible journey. I love you, H.

Love is the greatest refreshment in life.~ Pablo Picasso

Chicken Sandwich and Fries

2008-08-08T06:39:00.000-07:00

This morning I asked H if there was anything special she would like to do for our Anniversary on Sunday. She said, "How about dinner somewhere?" I thought, okay, yeah, a nice dinner out on the town. Maybe a fancy resteraunt and a moonlight walk along the pier. I said, "Oh, how about Cafe F.lora or Car.melita's?" H responded, "Nah, it's too fancy...how about Re.d R.obin?" I looked at her like is she serious? "Oh come on, it might be fun! A nice chicken sandwich and some fries...and, we can hear the Happy Birthday song!" Okay, now that's got to be the pregnancy talking! I'm not taking H to Re.d R.obin for our 18th wedding Anniversary! Please!

I've been thinking about it all week, but haven't decided on any one particuliar thing. It's the big 18, so it's got to be something special! We have plans to go to the coast the week after next, which is part of our Anniversary gift to each other. But, like heck if I would let Sunday come and go without some sort of celebration.

6 Weeks Already?

2008-08-05T18:27:00.000-07:00

WOW...we're already in our sixth week! Our first doctor appointment isn't until 8/14 and that's just an orientation. Our first opportunity for an ultra-sound to see what's happening inside won't be until our eighth week, but according to all the books and articles we've read the little one is already starting to develop a heartbeat! Can you believe it? A tiny little embryo less than 1 gram and 1/8th of an inch (that's about as big as a mini chocolate chip or cupcake sprinkle) is already starting to pump blood and the umbilical cord has started to develop. This is absolutely amazing to me. Except for being more tired and having sore boobs, H has been the same as she was before she was preggers. So far there's no sign of morning sickness and she's been reasonably mellow, which is an improvement from last week and the week before. I was starting to wonder if I was going to survive a whole nine months.

I think our biggest adjustment so far has been exercise. Having been heavily active prior to the pregnancy, I think H is mourning over the fact that she's stuck walking or doing light activities at the gym. I know that I miss my workout buddy already! Of course I have Maggie, but that's not the same. H and I were always doing some sort of activity that pushed our bodies to new levels. And to be honest, I need exercise now more than ever. I typically have to push myself to my outer limits on a regular basis for my mind and spirit to remain balanced. If I don't, all those toxins from either negative energy or stress have a field-day inside and start causing havoc. Taking a nice two mile walk with the dogs just doesn't cut it, unless it's after a 6-8 mile run in hill country. I know we'll work it out and it's not like I can't do those things on my own...it's just I miss racing around on some hill with H nipping at my heals pushing me to go harder.

Well, I'd better wrap things up...H is downstairs starting on dinner. The sounds of the pots and pans clanking around is starting to get louder, so that's my queue that I need to get my butt down there and help out.

Bike Rack or Go Naked?

2008-08-01T06:46:00.000-07:00

Here's the dilemma- As you know, we recently sold the "beast" (a.k.a. Ta.hoe). I had a nice Ya.kima hitch bike rack for lugging around our bikes for whatever reason. Well, if we want a bike rack for the new car, we need to move to a roof rack system. That's fine, but have you seen how expensive these racks are? I thought maybe we could get everything we needed for around $500, which is still a good chunk of change. But, after researching it, to get everything we would need we'd have to fork over $800!

So, I went to my back-up plan and have been monitoring what is available over Cra.igslist. I found a seller willing to sell the full-meal-deal for $350.00. The rack is only a few years old and looks barely used. Great deal, right? Except I'm having a hard time justifying spending the money for a bike rack system. We really should save the money and not spend it. But, then I counter with myself, "do you want to shell out nearly a $1000 at some point?" Of course I don't, but do we really need a rack? It's not like H will be able to ride, so that's at least a year before we would need to carry multiple bikes. Then there's the Kit.sap Classi.c, Chill.y Hi.lly, all rides that would require transporting your bike to somewhere. Oh, heck, I don't know. What do you all think? Is $350.00 a good enough deal? Should we just deal with going naked and save the $$?

Chasing My Tail

2008-07-31T13:35:00.000-07:00

I’m not much of a procrastinator, but for some reason I’ve been dreading my first “Now That You Know” we’re pregnant post. Since the moment the HPT came back positive, there has been a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions overloading my brain. I’m on overload so much so that I don’t even know where to begin. You know how a Opossum will stand frozen solid if you shine a light at them? That’s how I feel. I’m standing frozen solid in the middle of a busy freeway as cars zoom pass and I don’t know what my next move should be to get myself to the side of the road safely. This is a strange feeling for me. Normally, I’m level-headed, organized, precise. I usually don’t have a problem breaking things down into “baby steps”. I’ve been trying all week to do that in this case, but I find that I’m just running circles around myself – like a dog chasing their tail. Why do dogs chase their tails in the first place? Well, why am I so stuck?

The first week after we found out we were pregnant, I couldn’t sleep and I walked around for days in a haze. I was a kid the night before Christmas. The anticipation of all the activities, toys, games would keep me up until the wee hours of the morning until I finally could no longer hold my head up from exhaustion. This was no different. It took me until the weekend to finally start getting some sleep. I mean some serious sleep. The kind of sleep where you wake up with drool on your pillow and it takes you a few minutes before you realize where you are. I had a heck of a time at work staying focused. If I was to use computer terms, my short-term memory was throwing exceptions and my hard drive crashed. I was way out of whack. I tried to keep to my running and yoga, but that was nearly impossible. My mind immediately started making a list of all the things that we need to start thinking about. On top of that, I was running behind H like she was a glass vase teetering on the edge of the kitchen counter over a hardwood floor. I was paranoid that we were going to do something “wrong”.

You have to understand that for the most part I’m really not normally like this. From time to time I can go in and out of my funks, but who doesn’t? I do tend to get ahead of myself on occasion. Okay, so a lot. But, I’ve been really working on bringing my awareness back to the present moment. Yoga and meditation help me tremendously with staying grounded. So, when Monday rolled around, I set my intention on remembering the present and really enjoying the “now”. While I can say that I’m not entirely back to my normal self, I’m getting there. I’ve given myself permission to really enjoy this process with H and this time in our lives. I’m not going to allow my fear of the unknown, or worries about money, or anything else get in the way of this absolutely amazing journey. Bottom line…the plan is to stop chasing my tail!

Inner Struggles

2008-07-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

Since we found out that I'm pregnant we've been walking around in a fog. We've been cautiously excited about being pregnant. We know it's early and personally I've read too many blogs with sad developments in the 1st trimester.

On a personal note I'm having an inner struggle with myself. One part of me wants to be free to enjoy this part of my pregnancy but another doesn't want to set myself up for extreme disappointment. Sometimes I loathe the logical side of me or perhaps what I loathe is not being free. When I was growing up I learned early on not to get to excited about big events my parents planned. Somehow most of the events like Christmas , Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Easter usually got delayed, ruined, or succumbed to parents simply shrugging them off. It's not to say that I didn't have a good childhood. It's just that after awhile I stopped getting excited about those big events and just waited for the day. If we celebrated great! If not I hadn't set myself up to be disappointed.

I do believe that whatever is meant to be will be for this new life we've created and that there's nothing I can really do to change the outcome. But it's hard. How do I tap into the free loving side of me that was so prevalent in my early 20's? Why has life made me even more of a cynic? Perhaps it will get easier after I have my first appt. I can't wait until August 14th! Only 15 more days to go.

Operation - Save Moola for Baby! Mission 1

2008-07-29T17:37:00.000-07:00

For some time now we been throwing around the idea of getting rid of our beast (aka The Tahoe) and consolidating down to one car. Yes, we were a two car family that only drove one car. The beast sat in the driveway during the week and went out for special trips to the dog park, C*ostco, etc. during the weekend. When we bought the beast it seemed practical for our lifestyle. A few years ago when we lived in the city we were toting around dogs to dog parks, carting around friends to events and renovating houses on the side. But things changed and we moved out the country (aka I*ssaquah). Driving the beast into the city was no longer practical. So this weekend we spiffed up our beast & our little lovable beetle and traded them in for a used P*assat. We are now officially a one car family! A few of our friends have told us that we'll regret not having two cars but I think it was the right move to make. Besides, part of the goal was to have only one car payment so we could save money for the bambino. That alone was worth it! So, when the bambino comes C will either take the car into work or I'll drop her off at the park n ride near our house. We have an express bus into the city that gets you there in 30 minutes flat. And after my maternity leave we'll all trot into the city via the carpool lanes. Yes, I'm painting a pretty picture. But work with me people! One car has got to work for our little family. Have you seen the cost of daycare or nannies? Okay...I'm getting way ahead of myself now. But I'm a planner and that's what I do.

I'm beginning to ramble so I better go see what C is doing in the kitchen. I think I smell garlic.

Debate Club

2008-07-23T06:07:00.000-07:00

H and I had our first "heated" conversation since finding out she's pregnant. It should come as no surprise that the topic of debate was centered around money, denaro, and what's not in the piggy bank. We all know the TTC process is not a cheap endeavor, much less saving for a baby, medical expenses, child care, you name it. The fact that H is pregnant only magnified things in this department.

H and I balance each other out for most things in our life, including money, although sometimes it may not seem like it. I'm the dreamer and she's the logical one. It may not sound like that mixes, but it does. I've always been able to creatively find ways to bring in money, and well, let's be honest...spend it too! But, over the years, we've always found a way. The fact that we now have a baby on the way doesn't change that. It may change a few things on paper, but the reality is that we'll make it work.

About two weeks ago H and I made a deal that we would seriously look at our financial situation. In typical C fashion, I went straight for the charts and graphs and starting plotting out our long-term plan. Long-term plans can be dismal and mundane, so that doesn't help matters. H is not a chart and graph girl. If I had a wipe board, I would be "project managing" our lives like there is no tomorrow. That's what I do. H can plan for the future on a napkin and still run circles around me. So now I have .xls documents up the you know what with different scenarios mapped out, and H has a piece of paper with nicely handwritten numbers laid out uniformly in a few columns. I have to chuckle because after all of this, they both spell out the same thing. We need to cut back wherever we can, save as much as we can, and clearly we should start playing the lottery.

The Weekend in a Nutshell

2008-07-21T17:05:00.000-07:00

I'm finally crashing from the all the excitement of the weekend. On Saturday I was up at the crack of dawn. I just couldn't sleep so I decided to surf the Internet and catch up on e-mails. By the time C was up at 7 I had been up for almost 2 hours. It was a little odd for her because I'm usually the one that can't drag my butt out of bed on the weekend. Once C was up we took our 2nd HPT since Thursday and it resulted in a very faint test band. After the test on Saturday I couldn't focus. We decided to not test again until Sunday. I was wandering around the house like I was a little kid getting ready to go to Disneyland. I couldn't sleep on Saturday night and was up at at crack of dawn on Sunday to take another HPT. This time the results were 'Pregnant'. I was in shock and went to tell C who was still sound asleep. I didn't even have to wake her up. She somehow knew that I walked into the room and woke up immediately. I told her the news and she was so EXCITED I thought she was going to wake up the neighbors. I'm still absorbing the idea of being pregnant. It's one thing thinking you might be pregnant and another actually knowing. It's mind blowing! I don't know how else to describe it. I go to the HMO lab tomorrow to take my "Official" pregnancy test and once I have the results I can make my first appointment.

List of pregnancy symptoms thus far:

bloated (I feel like a thanksgiving turkey, all stuffed),
huge tender boobs (and ladies my boobs are not small to begin with, I'm kind of scared to see how big they're going to get)
I'm tired
oh and if you ask C she would say that I'm snippy. I haven't really noticed. ; )

The Results

2008-07-20T06:26:00.000-07:00

We're pregnant. It's totally surreal.

More later...

Peace

DPO 13 & BBT Steady

2008-07-19T07:34:00.000-07:00

Could it be? We took another HPT this morning and the "test" band was faint. So not positive and not negative? We're trying a new HPT from here and they are not the most intuitive test to interpret. But, on their website in the FAQ section it posts the following:

Q: If the test band is faint, is the pregnancy test positive?
A: positive result will always be indicated by the presence of a distinct color band in the 'test' region of the pregnancy test strip or midstream test (accompanied by the presence of the 'control' band). If the test is faint (in comparison to the control band), the test may be positive, though the presence of hCG in the woman's body - or urine sample - may be low. The presence of hCG doubles every two days in a pregnant woman. In cases where a faint test color band is present, we recommend that you retake the test the following day using first morning urine. Again, following test instructions is critical.

So, we may be reaching here, but that translates to "we could be and the H's HCG may just be low". Here is why I think we might be:

H's BBT Dip on DPO 10 could have been the "implantation dip"
H's BBT is staying steady above the coverline
The "test" band on the first HPT on Thursday was very, very, very faint. We both thought that maybe we just "wanted" to see a band but it wasn't really there so we dismissed it.
The "test" band on today's HPT is still faint, but definitely noticeable

What does this translate to? We wait. If AF doesn't show up by Sunday Morning and H's BBT remains steady, we test again on Sunday.

BBT & Triphasic Pattern

2008-07-17T05:44:00.000-07:00

H woke me up this morning in a panic. Yesterday her BBT dropped to just at her coverline. I didn't get a chance to ask her what her temp was before work, so I pinged her about 5 minutes before both of us had to run to a meeting. She pinged me back with 97.7...a number that instantly made my heart sink. For the rest of the day, we secretly mourned this cycle in and out of meetings.

This morning, H was sitting on the edge of the bed with her usual "why are you still laying here when there is a crisis happening" look. The first words out of her mouth? "I haven't walked the dogs yet (This is my queue that the morning routine is about to change). My BBT was 98.4." I failed to compute where there was a problem with this. We are at DPO 11, so the higher the BBT the better. H and I were so convinced that with the BBT drop yesterday there was no chance we were pregnant. H wasn't really prepared to think otherwise, so I can understand why it might be more of a shock to the system if this means we are pregnant.

We did take a pregnancy test. It's a little unclear how to "interpret" the results, but we're fairly certain it's negative. So, what does the spike in BBT mean? Could this mean that we are pregnant but the test failed to pick it up? I'm totally lost! Our only explanation is to blame it on the cat.

Disappointing Maggie

2008-07-15T06:34:00.000-07:00

Oh, crap...I overslept this morning! H usually gets up before me (yes, she is by far the more responsible one) and takes the pups for a morning walk. While she is gone, I usually set things up for the morning, throw on some running clothes, get the Gar.min ready, grab Maggie's running gear and meet her on the porch. This morning...I totally overslept! I never oversleep!

H sat on the edge of the bed and gently nudged me awake. I think she was "annoyed" that I wasn't up yet, but got over it once we agreed to forgo running. Maggie's a different story...I could here the tags on her collar jingle downstairs. She knows what days we run and what days we don't. She's smart and gets pretty "bummed" if we alter our routine. Sorry, Mags...I don't know what happened. I guess I'm just tired. Maybe we can go for a little jaunt after work...key word here is little.

Great, first I was having conversations with my thoughts and now I'm having them with my dog. What's next!?!

Peace Out.

Tides of Emotion

2008-07-12T11:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday H and I were in the kitchen talking about "things", when I had a sudden realization that we only have four donor vials left. This, however, is not a bad thing...but, for a brief moment it scared the bejeebees out of me. I have moments like this on a regular basis...like clock work. But, during this TWW, I've learned how to acknowledge them and promptly dismiss them. "Yes, we do have four vials left. This is true. One of those vials will be our child's brother or sister. Now, calm the fuck down and relax. We don't need to worry about that right now."

I don't know what is worse...having conversations with your thoughts or admitting it and writing about it. Either way, it seems to be working. So, we're on DPO 6 and I'm feeling relaxed about the whole thing. It's not like we can do anything to change the outcome...we just don't know the outcome. Yet.

Yoga Pose (July) - Bakasana

2008-07-08T17:48:00.000-07:00

If you read our blog very often, you'll know that H and I are avid yoga practitioners. Our preferred style is Bikram. If you don't know much about Bikram, you can read more here. Bikram is practiced in a room heated to 105 degrees, and 40% humidity. This style might sound intimidating, but you'd be surprised at how adaptable our bodies can be. I remember my first class...I high tailed it out of there before the floor series and puked in the trash can. But, after the first week, my body started to crave being in the heat and before long the heat was the best part. Fast forward another month and I was hooked on the "Power" (Vinyasa Style) classes more than the Hatha series. It was an amazing experience...to challenge your body physically and mentally.

Anyways, since H and I are trying to conceive, we've put Bikram on hold and have started taking regular Vinyasa classes. This by far was the best decision we could have made. Living without yoga was just not a good idea...I was so unbalanced. But, it's taken a good two weeks to retrain my body to twist and bend in certain ways. One of the poses I've been struggling with lately is Bakasan (or Crane Pose). Our Bikram teacher used to say "the harder it seems, the more you need it". One of the benefits of this posture is "balance"...go figure! Balance seems to be coming up allot in my life and since I've been struggling with it, I figure I must really need it! So, this month my goal is to focus on my upper body balance and specifically this pose.

http://www.abc-of-yoga.com/info/crane-pose.asp

I also figured while I'm at it, I might as well pick a pose each month and really focus on allowing my body to experience the benefits. So, who's with me?

At Home Insemination: Ten Things I Learned Part III

2008-07-07T06:32:00.000-07:00

Continuing with my tradition here, but honestly, if we don't get pregnant soon I'm going to run out of "things" to learn! Okay, okay, so maybe I won't "run out", but it's starting to become a challenge to actually think of 10 things. Does that mean we can consider ourselves seasoned in the Home Insemination department? Wouldn't that be nice! I know I said this last time, but this time we nailed peak city. Yep, little bugger,we got you pegged...and you think you can just come and go when you please...Ha!

Well, here it goes:

I have to give props to my yoga teacher. His mantra of "Don't Dwell, Just Gel" made a world of difference for me. This might be come as a surprise , but I have a heck of a time not obsessing over things (a little something I hear is called letting go). This time I stopped praying to the fertility Gods and just let it be. Now I just need to keep it going through TWW...is there a TWW God I can pray to?
I need a damn post it note pinned to my cerebral cortex reminding me that if you "back out" the speculum before inseminating, you don't get a pool of swimmers stuck on the lip! Once the swimmers are stuck, it takes some serious acrobatics to "un-stick" them. I'm apparently challenged in this department, and I think H is tired of having to do "Insemination Yoga" on a monthly basis.
No air - no Hoo-Hoo fluffs...amazing!
Deep, supple and long breathes in is a pretty effective way to move the swimmers towards the cervix and not away. It also helps with point #2, should your reminder fail to go off.
You don't need to eat your Wheaties beforehand to be on top of your game. I skipped breakfast and I was still able to break the speculum. Who needs to weight train when you've got yoga?
The Ovulation Microscope is NOT the type of microscope recommended to check the mobility of the swimmers. I had to try...it was right there.
Neon "bendy" straws will further enable the serious of serious decaf coffee (a.k.a Star.bucks in the Northwest) addicts. A person can safely drink their "latte" while laying on their back with there knees up.
The i.Phone is a miraculous invention...apparently one can surf the Internet, catch up on all their blog reading, and buy shoes all from one little device. The magic device is also much "lighter" than a bound book. This is apparently useful when you have to elevate your arms up for extended periods of time.
The aroma from baking home-made Buttermilk Biscuits will lure even the most crabby morning people out of their "cranky pants". H is not one to bolt out of bed with a smile on her face, much less be all that thrilled to have to inseminate...but, biscuits are a powerful source of happiness, especially if equipped with butter and jam.
Laying a blanket over elevated knees will make an awesome tent...for cats! Note to self, be sure Suzie (the cat) is well feed and sunbathing in the other room.

Well, that's a wrap for ICI #3...now we wait, again. Wish us luck!

Third time's a charm

2008-07-06T12:06:00.000-07:00

So another round of insemination's is done! We inseminated Saturday morning & today. Hopefully, we got the timing right this cycle. This time around we were more patient, waiting until we got the green light on both the FM & OPK.

I think we were more relaxed this time after last month's fiasco. What a disaster and waste of the little swimmers. Oh well, at least it was a good learning experience. Who knew my body could be so unpredictable? Looking back on last month I think we had too many variables working against us. Let's list out all the changes before last month's insemination, shall we? 1: Stopped doing Bikram Yoga 2. Changed Pre-Natal vitamins 3. Started Evening Primrose. I know that these aren't big changes, but at 35 you never know.

This month was a different story. Not as many changes. I added back vinyasa yoga but not my beloved bikram. I had hoped to start acupuncture but getting a referral from my lovely HMO doc proved to take longer than expected. In addition, C has been monitoring my heart rate during our little runs like a hawk. Now that we've inseminated she said that she's going to make sure the G*armin goes off at 140 bpm and not the 148 bpm it's set at now. urgh...I'm going to be walking up a bunch of hills! I know...I know....I got to take it easy. It's just so hard when you're use to running & yoga as an emotional outlet and then you have to cut back. Anyone have ideas how to do this outside of exercise?

Oh...and on a side note I get to go in and get my progesterone levels checked on day 21. Should be fun! I'm actually excited to see what the numbers look like. If their low the doc wants to start doing progesterone suppositories.

Well, that's all for now. Baby dust to everyone out there that's TTC this month.

Oh, one more thing...C broke the speculum during this morning's insemination (I'll spare you the details, but use your imagination...it was quite entertaining. It took us a few minutes to stop laughing and get back to "business"). I think it's from all the vinyasa!

Peace.

Don't Dwell Just Gel

2008-07-02T06:59:00.000-07:00

H and I did power this morning. My, oh, my...this is why I love yoga! I feel like I'm high on harmony! It's like getting a super massage, but internally...an oil change for the body. During the class the teacher kept repeating, "don't dwell, just gel". What a great mantra to start the day, and, well, quit frankly, our third cycle attempt.

Baby Maple

2008-06-30T18:43:00.000-07:00

When my sister was visiting, I wanted to do something special to celebrate the beginning of our journey into a the new world of motherhood. So, we planted a Japanese Maple tree (Bloodgood) in honor of baby X. It's such a powerful symbol for us on our journey. It reminds me how to grow we need nurturing, care and some pruning from time to time. We spend time pruning away parts of us that are no longer enhancing our lives. We use this as an opportunity to grow from our past experiences and to continue to enrich our lives, our hearts, our dreams.

The tree's shape reminds me that we each have unique gifts, branching out beautifully in many directions. Our beauty is also enhanced when we follow the way Mother Nature intended-- with a little pruning to keep us moving upward and outward. Like many aspects of nature, we can't always do things alone, but we must be very cautious about whom we allow to tend our garden…actualizing our lives depends on this. We also need to remain firmly grounded in ourselves.

Okay, okay...I'll stop being sappy! I'm just really glad we did this! I have a daily reminder of how beautiful life's challenges can be and how far we have yet to travel on our journey. Maybe someday Baby X will be touched by this story.

Pride or Ride?

2008-06-29T12:51:00.000-07:00

It's another hot one today! Okay, okay, so it's not in the triple digits but it's close...90 degrees and it's only 1:00 PM.

H and I decided not to go to the pride parade today. We didn't really feel like dealing with the heat and the crowds, so we went out for a bike ride instead. I have to say that I had a blast! I haven't been out on a bike in a long time. I used to ride fairly religiously, but between running, swimming, yoga & cycling it's hard to find enough time to fit everything in. H has never been a big fan of cycling. In fact, I think she down right hates it! But, it was her idea to head out for a ride this morning. I'm suspicious that because the weather has been gorgeous she thought that this was a perfect tanning opportunity. The meticulously rolled sleeves, no gloves, no socks, and hiking her shorts up a bit higher on her thighs was a dead give away. Still, I wasn't about to pass up this opportunity!

I opted for a rain check on the hills, so we drove down to the bottom of Inglewood Hill and rode along East Lake Sammamish. It was still early enough that the slight breeze taunted us with the smell of the water. It was enough to make you want to jump off your bike, strip down and jump in the lake. Of course, we didn't...but wouldn't that have been fun? East Lake Sammamish takes you to the Birk Trail, which will take you all the way to Seattle (I sometimes will ride home after work from Downtown Seattle to Issaquah via the Birk, which is a good 40+ miles - I wouldn't be impressed. I usually only do this once/twice a week in the summer months).

H and I rode to Woodinville and back. We ended up riding 25 miles, which is pretty good considering we've neglected our bikes all winter long! So, we missed pride, but we did ride - dykes on bikes? Yeah, okay that's a stretch!

Happy Pride, everyone!

Here we go again

2008-06-26T08:46:00.000-07:00

Yep, that's right it's CD 4. I'm not surprised. We knew that when all my little fertility gadgets hit peak on CD 19 we got the timing all wrong. I can't imagine what it would be like if you didn't use a FM or ovulation sticks during this process and you depended on CM or BBT. It would be so much harder. Each month you would think that you timed it just right only to be disappointed.

The plan this cycle is to inseminate on FM peak day and the day after. We promised each other that we wouldn't jump the gun and inseminate early regardless of what my cervix or CM looked like on a given day. This time our plan is to be patient, try Vitex, a little acupuncture, and get back into a regular yoga routine. Getting pregnant is a full time job.

Here's a link to my chart for those of you that love stats. I know I do.

http://forums.ovusoft.com/chart.asp?id=allfortino

Summer Solstice

2008-06-23T06:19:00.001-07:00

This past weekend was the Fremont Fair, which celebrates the Summer Solstice. H and I took my sister T to the fair. We walked through hundreds of vendors, and stayed to watch some of the parade. One of the most well known parts about the parade are the painted naked people. H and I have a friend who lives a few blocks from the main activities, so we always get to hear stories about how there are naked people wandering the streets outside her house! My sister didn't apprechiate the art in it, but it was still fun. Here are a few images from the day.

(WARNING...painted naked people abound)

Mr. Yellow Man (and all that sperm!)

The Devil, The Tin Man, and A Star

This lady and her dog watched the parade from the top of the roof. I think they had the best seat in the house!

Nemo was here!

This pup was sure Happy!

Cycle 2: Day 27

2008-06-20T17:04:00.000-07:00

Today is day 27, 8 DPO. This time last month I had already started my period. I can see that my body is not going for any type of consistency. Not that I'm a planner or anything. I guess it's good that my cycle is going longer since I ovulated so late. Pregnancy symptoms??? zero, nada... not a single thing. Well, unless you count a sinus headache. Oh well.... at least the TWW this time around isn't nearly as stressful as last month. We're convinced that we got the timing wrong so I've not had the added stress of thinking about the 'what ifs". That's not to say that we haven't talked about the possibility that I may still be pregnant. It's just more of a distant hope. Also, I think our new game plan with exercising has been helpful. Last month not being able to do a variation of my normal workout routine was driving me batty and dangerous for C. Poor C was walking around on eggshells because the lack of exercise was making me so bitchy. Exercise is just a great way for me to release all my pent up energy & stress from work.

In other news C's older sister is visiting and we told her we're trying to have a baby. She was genuinely excited for us. whew! It was such a relief for C. She's been dreading sharing this part of our life with her family because they are just so darn conservative but it was all for nothing. C's sister T can't wait to be an Auntie. Not that she doesn't already have a zillion nieces and nephews. She's so excited about the possibility of actually being involved in our little one's life. So, one of C's siblings down only 5 more to go. 2 of which are Evangelical Christians with 18 kids between them. Our current plan is not to tell any of the other siblings until I'm actually pregnant. I don't want them praying for our souls while we're in this process. We need positive vibes from the universe.

Well, got to go find out what's for dinner.

Peace out!

Possessed GPS

2008-06-20T07:56:00.000-07:00

The Gar.min is either possessed or I should sign up for the Beijing Olympics immediately. According to the Gar.min, I logged 5 miles in 35 minutes, which translates to about 5:11 per mile. That amazing considering I've constantly been a 10-minute gal (keep your mind out of the gutter!) for most of my life. My personal best was a 7:30 about a year ago and it only happened once or twice.

Lately, the Gar.min has been "acting up". There are days when it takes a lifetime to find a satellite signal, days it won't find one at all, or days it looses the signal mid-run. On this particular day, the damn thing was constantly loosing its signal and then it would recalibrate to try and make up the difference. That must be one hell of an algorithm to pinpoint the deltas between where you were when it lost the signal and where you currently are when it picked it up again, not to mention recalculating your pace and time traveled...please! I'd rather it just dropped the signal and not bother. I've had the Gar.min for over two years...I guess it's on it's last legs. It might be time to upgrade, but I'll certainly miss my tried and true companion!

34 Years!

2008-06-19T07:06:00.001-07:00

My sister (ex-sister-in-law, actually) and her moms made the news! The Sacramen.to Be.e published an article about her moms getting married. Laura is the "estranged" daughter in the article. She was married to my brother (divorce was final last week), who is the mystery man behind what is being described as her "anti-gay attitude".

The article describes the last 15 years in three sentences... "She joined his church, the now-defunct Davis Fellowship of Christ. They married, and she followed in his ways. When her husband blocked the entrance to abortion clinics in Sacramento, she was there to sing. Meanwhile, her mother was escorting women into the clinics." I remember this time all too well! It was about the same time H and I started "exploring" our friendship. It was a tumultuous time for my family, Laura, her moms, and H and I were caught smack-dab in the middle.

H and I have known each other since High School and have been together ever since. Since the moment there were "signs" that my friendship was more than just a friendship, my family has given us a significant amount of grief. I'm still puzzled as to what these "signs" where, but apparently our behavior had textbook homosexual tendencies. H and I were sixteen at the time and were more concerned with whether or not we had enough credits for our necessary college curriculum pre-requisites to be concerned that out "exploratory" behaviors were going to sentence us eternal damnation. While my brother was hell bent on saving my soul, Ellen was in the background supporting H and I. Ellen wasn't allowed within 500 feet of our home, her grandchildren, me, but if I needed to just talk to someone about what it meant to be gay, we would talk over the phone or meet outside of town. This was not an easy time for anyone, but times have changed.

Laura and I have since made our amends. She's come to visit H and I in Seattle on numerous occasions and we've talked allot about the past. She called me out of the blue about 8 months ago and poured her heart out. She was so apologetic for the way things were, but really she didn't need to be. My grievances have never been with her, and I've come along way in accepting my grievances with my brother. It's been rather easy supporting her through her divorce and she's returned the favor twofold. When my sister A (I have two) got married last September, Laura made it possible for me to spend time with my nieces and nephews, most of which I had never meet. In fact, it was the first time I had physically seen my brother in over 13 years. We barely exchanged two words and he kept a close eye over my interactions with the kids, but it was worth it. I don't think Laura realizes what an amazing gift that truly was.

I'm incredibly proud of her tenacity and support for her moms. So after so many years, I propose a toast! To Ellen and Shelley, may you be blessed with another 34 years and congratulations on your marriage!

Weekend Project

2008-06-17T17:05:00.001-07:00

Over the weekend C got a great idea to attempt a remodel on our downstairs bathroom. Our townhouse is about 20 years old and for the most part has all the original fixtures and counter tops. We have beautiful rose colored counter tops in the bathrooms & kitchen. Yuck!! We'd love to go through and rip out everything but we decided that while we're in the TTC process these elaborate remodels are on hold. So, we opted for a cheaper update. C painted, added a new shelving unit, light, faceplates for the outlet covers & a toilet paper holder. I added pictures below. It's hard to tell but the color of the walls are a subtle green.

Before:

After:

Virtual Coffee

2008-06-15T07:15:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting upright in bed, letting the strength of the solid wood headboard support my back, resting my thoughts on my pillow. The sun is pouring into the room like spilt milk, the air is fresh and has a tiny bite, the neighborhood is eerily quiet except for the sound of the ducks echoing off the lake, the needles on the pine trees carrying their voices like transponders. H is laying next to me, her arm resting over her eyes as if to block her thoughts, and her breath is steady, deep; every inhale fills her lungs solid like water fills a glass, every exhale long, supple, peaceful. H is beautiful. Her rhythmic breath calms me. It's a moment all too often lost in the craziness of our life. A moment laden with simplicity, stillness.

I become more aware of my own breath. I watch the soft threads of cotton rest over my stomach, rising and falling with each breath; the beauty of the morning keeping me relaxed. I think about what moments like this will feel like when shared with a child. I think about the day ahead. I think about the laundry, the dogs, coffee. My thoughts are intermittently interrupted by the sounds of cars passing in the distance. I start to wonder where these people are headed. Is it Church? A quick trip to the store? Wives taking their husbands to breakfast? I recall my father and wonder if his morning ritual is filled with sounds? Is he enjoying coffee and a doughnut like he used to every morning when I was younger? If he feels different now that his children are grown and he wakes up to an empty house? I wonder if this silence has been broken by the phone ringing, one of his sons or daughters wishing him a happy fathers day?

My father lives in California with his wife. He remarried shortly after my mother passed away thirteen years ago. It is the rare occasion that I speak to my father, but we do try and talk at least once a year, usually during the Holidays. We've had our share of troubled times over the years. I've long since forgiven him for his inability to accept who I am. Now he is an elderly man with small glimpses of reality. At the age of 76, he is still fairly active, lucid with his thoughts, but he will forever be bound to the past. It's impossible for him to live in the present and see me as the woman I have grown into, that I really am. I'm no longer his little tomboy, who was better at just about any sport than any of his sons. My identification number is 6, like a barcode or systematic way for him to keep track of his children. As thoughts fire rapidly in my cerebellum, I wonder how things would be different if life hadn't taken us down this path. I stop for a moment and realize that it can be different, if only for a moment, right here, right now as I lay daydreaming.

As I continue to sit quietly, H remains resting peacefully, and I take my father out for virtual coffee. I imagine us sitting in a coffee house at a corner table, his head tilted slightly as he sips coffee, the cup almost too heavy for his aging hand. His brilliant white hair combed over the top of his head, his glasses resting heavy on the tip of his nose, using his index finger to push them to the bridge. I'm enjoying a Chocolate ring, wiping the glaze from the corners of my mouth with each bite. There is coffee house chatter in the background, but it doesn't interrupt our conversation. We talk about what fills his days, his health. The conversation shifts and I tell him about my job, H, the dogs, life in Seattle. I share our plans to have a child, that he will hopefully someday soon be a grandfather 24 times over. He is overjoyed, happy, peaceful. We talk for hours, just enjoying our time together.

Hey, Pop, thanks for the coffee and doughnuts.

The Ultimate Sunblock

2008-06-13T17:13:00.000-07:00

The sun made an appearance late yesterday and I think just about everyone in Seattle was ecstatic! Of course, that was short lived because it was cloudy and gray again today. So when a friend of ours sent us this cartoon this morning it seemed only fitting to share!

The good news? We're expecting sun this weekend! The gardener came today, so our lawn is freshly mowed, our flowers look fabulous, and if the sun shows up we can sit out on the lawn with a cold drink and read a book. Seattle is a wonderful place, but if we don't get some sun soon we're all going to go insane.

Small Detour

2008-06-12T20:24:00.000-07:00

H and I have been on edge since her cycle went biserk. We both have our own ways of dealing with the endless amount of uncertainties that is a part of the TTC process, but for the most part we both enjoy blowing off some steam by running. After I had a minor meltdown this morning when all the fertility monitoring gadgets indicated that H was still ovulating, I started out the day on H's bad side. On the way into work, we spent the entire time in silence. With all the tension of the situation, we just needed to hit the road.

H wasn't all that interested in running, but she humored me. So, we laced up the shoes for the second time this week, grabbed the Ga*rmin (GPS) watch, and headed out toward our usual route. H was "implying" that she was bored with running the same course, but then balked when I suggested an alternative. I guess I should mention that our unspoken agreement after our last insemination was that we would continue exercising, but just be sure that H takes it easy. My solution? If we go running, H is required to wear the heart rate monitor at all times and ease off if her heart rate exceeds 145 bpm (this is me pretending that I wear the pants in the family). The Ga*rmin lets you set alerts if you exceed certain zones, so I enabled the alert so we would know when her heart rate was getting too high. H was fine with this until she realized that all it took to set the alarm off was a hill. So, while H was back there cursing the Ga*rmin ("Oh, shut the fuck up!), I changed our course.

Our usual course has a "fork" in the trail where you can head towards the main road or wind through the residential developments. If you head downhill towards the main road, there is only one way back and that UP! It's a good 2 miles before you loop back off the main road and have to make the "dreaded" turn up our version of "heartbreak hill". Since the Ga*rmin was beeping at H on every hill, I thought I would be helpful and bypass the "evil" hill and go around. I figured if we just ran to the next main street, we could find our way back without too much trouble. In theory that was a good idea. But my little detour added another 2 miles and one very long, steep hill. H is convinced I just wanted the extra miles. Should I tell her that I planned for a 4 mile run before we even started? Yeah, no...I might have to sleep on the couch with the dogs! But, H is tired now, curled up with Bandito on the other end of the couch, quiet, not irritated and watching "So You Thin*k You Can Danc*e".

CD 18

2008-06-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

Somehow I feel responsible for us inseminating early. It's my body, shouldn't I have a better clue as to what's going on? The months before we started TTC the FM hit peak on day 13 or 14 and my cycle was between 25 & 26 days. Now that we started TTC my body as gone haywire. I really didn't think I was stressed about getting the timing right but now I'm not so sure. Last week during a run I got super tense in my upper back and it lasted through the weekend. Getting more painful each day. To a point where I was taking hot showers to loosen up my shoulders. I thought it was from running when I was tired but now I think I was incredibly stressed out about the whole process. Why can't this be easier? I'm so frustrated, sad and disappointed at the same time. I feel like I've been doing everything right. I exercise, I've given up caffinated coffee, I don't have junk food, and I don't drink. What more can I do? We want this more than anything!

BBT Dip

2008-06-11T06:05:00.000-07:00

I have a love-hate relationship with the FM. Today, I hate it! H woke up this morning and her BBT dipped really low...the lowest she's logged since we started charting. I think we were both convinced that damn thermometer was broken because we took it four times. According to TCOYF, "it is believed that this usually occurs on the day of ovulation and is the result of high levels of estrogen pushing the temperature down."

To top it off...the FM hit peak. H has had numerous months where her FM reading stopped at "high". But, she's never showed signs of ovulating past day 16. The key word here is NEVER! We inseminated when her cervix was open, high, SOT show lot's of ferning, CM was spinning...but, OPK was neg and FM was high. The swimmers were sitting inside of a seven day tank and we were running out of days, so we had to do something. Since H has not always hit peak on the FM in the past and all the other signs lined up, we went for it. I can't fucking believe it...a drop in temp, FM reading is peak, and I'm sitting here sperm-less and blogging. I'm trying to stay positive, honest. If it wasn't for the fact that I feel sick to my stomach, I think it would be easier. I think we totally missed our window. If only I had access to an unlimited amount of sperm and/or DTD wasn't frozen and stored 2500 miles away. Why does it have to be so fucked up?

At Home Insemination: Ten Things I Learned Part II

2008-06-09T15:58:00.000-07:00

Why do books, brochures, documentaries make the Insemination process sound so easy? A little planning, a donor, the swimmers, choose a method, a squirt and you're done. If only it were that easy!

Adding to my list of things I've learned:

Shipping vials of sperm across the United States is expensive and incredibly stressful. For one thing, unless you upgrade to the "two-week" tank or pay for overnight shipping, the specimens are only good for 7 days from the ship date. This time H and I opted not to upgrade the tank or shipping. The vials shipped on the 4th, arrived on the 6th, and were "good" until the 9th. H ovulated on the night of the 8th! Can we time that any closer?

"Timing of the ICI procedure is very important, as it should be performed around the time of ovulation to increase the chances of conception." Right, no problem! What are the odds that the FM and OPK are both positive, there is signs of ferning, the cervix position is low, CM is spinning, and the fast lane is wide open, all on the same day? Oh, right, Zero, Zilch, Nada...can that really happen?

Shot glasses make excellent vial holders for thawing! They also work well in keeping the vial in a safe place while you run through your "checklist" and get things ready. Lube? Check. Lamp? Check. Pump air out of Syringe? Check. Entertainment? Check. Latex Gloves? Check. H? Check.

H and I opted to use a speculum during insemination. Inserting a thin and flexible catheter through the hoo-hoo until it reaches the cervix is harder than it sounds. The speculum makes it easier to "see" what's going on. WARNING: A fully lubed speculum will "stay" in place if you hold it. Letting go at any time could result in someone loosing an eye.

For an ICI, you're suppose to place the "swimmers" just before the cervix opening but not inside. Exactly how much is "just before"?

If you have long hair, ALWAYS wear your hair up or pulled back. It's dark enough "down there" that you don't need your hair getting in the way.

Some "swimmers" will collect on the tip of the speculum. If you want them to travel towards the cervix and not away, it will require some acrobatics as part of both the inseminate-tor and inseminate-tee.

Inserting air, no matter how little, will result in hoo-hoo fluffs.

If you have any pets (dogs/cats), keep them away from the "clinic"...Hoo-Hoo's smell interesting enough on their own.

It's easy to return the Nitrogen tank. It comes with a postage pre-paid label and all you have to do is call to schedule for a pickup. Just leave the tank out on the porch and like magic when you return home from work, it's gone. WARNING: Leaving a suspicious item resembling a rocket on your porch will get the neighbors talking.

ICI #2 is now out of our hands. I feel like we've timed this one right and done everything we can possibly do to make this happen. The process was much easier than the first time. It's almost as if I was a professional...okay so I'm stretching, but I was definitely more confident. It's funny...we wait 13-16 days to Inseminate, only to turn around and have to wait some more. Now we start the TWW...I should be a couple pounds heavier by then, since cooking/baking/eating is one of my favorite coping mechanisms.

Bagel Throwdown!

2008-06-08T16:37:00.000-07:00

I've never really been very good at working with yeasted breads or doughs. Handling the dough is an art and you have to be extremely patient; one of which I lack a tremendous amount of, which is why I'm baking in the first place. I need something to do to help keep my mind off of TTC. Today is CD 15 and H still has not ovulated. We have a nitrogen tank with two vials of swimmers that "expires" tomorrow and she still has yet to ovulate. She's never not ovulated by now so we are at a loss as to what to do next. So, we decided to have a bagel war! It didn't start out as a war, but rather an 'Um, is the dough suppose to be crumbly?, no, you fix it' conversation.

Periodically H and I will flip through cook books and look for recipes that we A.) have not tried B.) sounds yummy and C.) looks easy enough to try. Last night H found a recipe for boiled bagels that looked easy enough. After finding out that H still had not ovulated, we decided to keep ourselves preoccupied with baking. The first ten minutes or so started out fine. I sifted the flour (okay, okay, so it didn't say to sift the flour, but I was in one of my 'helpful' moods), added the sugar and salt, whisked the yeast in luke warm water (110 degrees exactly) and added to the dry ingredients, and then set the mixer on the lowest speed possible. The recipe said to mix the dough for 10 minutes, which I did, but the dough was NOT soft...it was crumbly and dry. H and I read the recipe for the hundredth time and we followed it to the letter, but there was just not enough water. I was about to scrap the whole thing and start over, when H figured we could just add more water and see if that helped. I'm terrified of dough...I figure if you add anything beyond what the recipe calls for, you're asking for trouble. H thinks that's nonsense. She spent about another 5-10 minutes working with it and was able to get it to at least resemble dough. We placed it in an oiled bowl, covered it with plastic wrap and let it rise, but we were convinced that it was going to come out like CRAP! While the first dough was rising H decided to look on the internet for another bagel recipe to try. What she found was that most bagel recipes called for less flour. Since we were convinced that the first batch was doomed, we started on a second batch. Hence the bagel throwdown!!

The second batch that H started looked better right away. It actually resembled dough. Below and above is the outcome of the bagels. I think that I won but H has a different version. If you ask her she would say hers didn't come out as well because she was tired after all the effort it took to save my batch. hmmmm.....right..... If that what gets her through.

Hopefully, H ovulates tomoorrow. I don't think our kitchen can handle any more throwdowns.

Saliva Ovulation Predictor Tests Part 2

2008-06-06T09:44:00.000-07:00

I've been using the Fertile F*ocus ovulation microscope for about a week and let's just say I'm 'challenged'. I've been having the hardest time getting the correct amount of salvia on the lens. The instructions say to put a 'drop' of salvia on the lens and let dry 5-10 minutes. Hello...have you ever tried to put a drop of salvia on a tiny lens at 5:30 AM? Either I put too much, not enough or it has air bubbles. I've now decided on a new tactic. I'm waiting until my eyes are open to at least slits to preform the test. Apparently, clear vision is helpful. So lesson learned.

It's a fun little gadget when you get it right. Two thumbs up and affordable. You can get your very own Click here to order

Posted by 'H'

Bring back the Sun

2008-06-06T09:09:00.000-07:00

Can someone tell mother nature that it's June 6 not December 6 in the Seattle area. Today our high is 51. I think I better get out my sunscreen and shorts... whew! That's a heatwave! COME ON, REALLY 51 freakin degrees. What happened to our spring? The weather here is beginning to be down right depressing. I know you non-seattlites think it always rains here but truth be told it doesn't...well...except for this year! I guess I should just be grateful that we are not experiencing the horrible storms in the Midwest.

Check out our forecast. I bet your jealous.

Today Jun 6
Rain
High 51° Low 44°

Sat Jun 7
Showers
High 56° Low 42°

Sun Jun 8
Showers
High 56° Low 43°

I leave you with our beautiful December day. Click here to see more pictures and view the movie.

Posted by 'H'

Open Roads and Belly Rubs

2008-06-02T18:23:00.000-07:00

After a long, excruciatingly painful day in the office squabbling over .2 milliseconds (long story), I have yet to find a better remedy than lacing up the old running shoes and spending some quality time out on the open road. So that's exactly what H and I did. We leashed up Maggie and headed out on the trail about a 1/2 mile from our house. We're blessed that we have so many trails in our backyard, but having these trails so accessible doesn't come without a price. We live in hill country and there isn't a trail within 10 miles that doesn't come fully equipped with a hill or two. Before we get too far, H and I usually exchange a few words over how many miles and how much suffering we intend to endure.

Today, we settled on a nice three mile loop. Unfortunately, that loop starts out uphill and ends uphill. For the first part of the run, we wind through residential streets just to avoid the hill with the 10% incline. There's nothing worse than trying to get warmed up on an steep incline, so adding a few extra steps is worth it. By the time we reach the trail we've already knocked out a mile and we're warm enough we can really enjoy the back roads. There aren't that many areas left in our neighborhood that are not being developed or marked with some sort of land use action sign, but these trails are protected and offer the perfect landscape for any trail runner. It has been awhile since we played back in these parts of the woods, but it was invigorating to just breath in the fresh air and enjoy the scenery. It was surprising to see all the landscape littered with fallen pine trees from this past winter. Maggie enjoyed showing off her jumping skills, but I think she was embarrassed by our inability to "hurdle" the trees more efficiently. Apparently, we were slowing her down...she's very serious about her runs.

The last 1/2 mile or so takes us around the backside of Yellow lake. This is my favorite part of the run and not just because we're near the end, but because the vegetation is so pure, so fresh that it's impossible not to be reminded how simple life should be. There's usually ducks near the dock, birds singing across the lake, a crackle or two echoing through the trees, and the sound of our feet gliding over the dirt. Just past the dock, the music of Mother Nature is interrupted by the sounds of cars passing, and children playing at the park. By the time we reach home, there's only one thing left to do...sit on the porch and let Maggie enjoy her belly rubs!

Saliva Ovulation Predictor Tests

2008-06-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

H and I recently discovered the Saliva Ovulation Predictor Test. When H first told me that she read this article about how you can use your saliva to determine when you ovulate, I thought she was crazy. But, it turns out, it's true! Who knew!?!

As far as I can tell there are a couple of brands that make the ovulation microscope. We purchased the Fertile-Fo.cus ovulation microscope earlier this month. We started testing last week and so far, it's a piece-of-cake. There's a bit of a learning curve to figure out how to use the darn thing, but once you have that nailed down it is easy to read. Due to hormonal changes, a distinct crystal or "ferning" pattern becomes present in the saliva. We just started testing so we haven't seen any ferning as of yet, but so far it has been easy to distinguish between the not fertile and transitional stages. You have to put enough saliva on the slide otherwise it will be difficult to read. H has found that a "puddle" in the middle works well, especially if you let it dry for 5-10 minutes. So far, this little toy is amazing...let's just hope it helps us get pregnant on our second try!

Posted by "C"

Cookie Heaven

2008-05-31T21:46:00.000-07:00

Is there anyone who doesn't like a good treat? Since H and I are terribly addicted to sweets (especially when we're riding the PMS wave), I'm always on the hunt for healthy, low calorie treats. This is one of our favorite cookie recipes of all time! A low fat Oatmeal Raisin made with Walnuts and Chocolate Chips.

I’ve made these cookies more times than I can count. I add chocolate chips and sometimes walnuts, as I do with all oatmeal cookie recipes. I’ve made these cookies large as the instructions described but they’re even better using my 2-tablespoon cookie scoop. It's hard to believe this little cookie is less than 100 calories per serving! It has eggs and butter, so it's not vegan but I'm sure it could easily be converted. I'll have to try that!

Wholesome Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

M.oosewood Restaurant New Classic Cookbook

½ cup light brown sugar, packed
¼ cup sugar
½ cup butter, preferably unsalted, at room temperature
1 large egg
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 ¼ cup rolled oats
½ cup unbleached white flour
½ cup oat bran
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
½ teaspoon baking powder
½ teaspoon baking soda
¼ teaspoon salt
½ cup raisins - I add dark chocolate chips and walnuts in addition to the raisins

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Lightly oil two baking sheets.

In a large bowl, cream together the brown sugar, granulated sugar and the butter with an electric mixer or by hand until light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla and mix until well combined.

In a separate bowl, combine the oats, flour, oat bran, cinnamon, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Add to the butter mixture and stir until blended. Mix in the raisins, chocolate chips & walnuts.

Drop the dough by scant ¼-cup mounds about 3 inches apart, and flatten slightly with moistened fingers. Each sheet will hold six cookies. (I used a 2-tablespoon scoop and place a dozen cookies on each tray.) Bake for 15 minutes, until lightly golden and just firm to the touch. When the cookies first come out of the oven, they’re soft and little delicate so carefully transfer them to racks. Cool for 15 minutes.

I kissed a girl and I liked it

2008-05-30T14:30:00.000-07:00

Where was this song 20 years ago when I was in high school? I could've had my mom listen to it when she asked "why don't you ever tell me what's going on?" Her expession would have been priceless. Hey, maybe I can still have her listen to it?

Posted by 'H'

I have a confession

2008-05-29T14:19:00.000-07:00

I love, love, love garage sales. I know...it doesn't sound extremely odd but it's what I get at them that may be considered a bit weird. My little secret is that I buy baby clothes, toys, books, blankets, etc. In the area where we live we have fabulous garage sales. Our little community (suburb) is your typical neighborhood. We were lucky enough to find this cute little townhouse on a cul-de-sac and we love it. Sorry, I digressed... Anyhoo, a few miles in any direction are these new neighborhoods with these huge houses (these are easily million dollar homes). In these ginormous houses are families with apparently too much new or barely used stuff and they love to have garage sales. I LOVE IT!!! I found this http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2957926 for $30, never used!!! We also found this http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2880921 never used for just $5. The mother excuse was she got too many at her baby shower and just never found time to take them back. Can you believe it? So, I'm hooked. I never thought I would be buying baby stuff before I was actually pregnant, but I just can't seem to pass up these deals. So, for anyone that lives in the Se*ttle area, go to craig* list and check out the garage sales on the eastside. Some of the best ones are the community garage sales. I'll be heading off to a few myself this weekend. I have a budget of $30. I can't wait to see what I find!

Posted by 'H'

Home Cookin'

2008-05-26T21:54:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, my family celebrated Memorial Day with an outdoor BBQ and a good game of Badminton or Croquet. According to my mother, an American Holiday required an All American menu! If you didn't like Hamburgers, Hotdogs & Macaroni Salad, well, you could simply go hungry. Since becoming a Vegetarian over five years ago, it has been a challenge to re-create these memories for my friends and family without the traditional palate. But Vegetarianism has come along way over the years and it is much easier to create homemade, savory, to-die-for masterpieces that everyone will love. I'm not talking about something out of a box either, but rather a menu created from all-natural, fresh ingrediants.

The following recipe is a modified version of the "Chicago Diner Burger" out of the Veg.etarian Ti.mes Magazine. I've omitted and added a few ingrediants of my own to make it even better! H gave it a rating of 10 out of 10, so you know it has to be good. I rarely score above an 8, so what a fantastic way to celebrate Memorial Day with our friends.

Seattle Diner Burger with Piquillo Pepper Ailoi

Photo Taken by "C"

Burger
3 stalks celery, diced
1/4 cup low sodium soy sauce
2 teaspoons onion powder
2 teaspoons garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
3 cups old fashioned oat
12 ounces mushroom, finely chopped (I used 6 oz. of Organic Crimini & 6 oz. of Organic White Mushrooms)
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
8 Slices of Sharp Chedder Cheese

Piquillo Pepper Aioli
1/2 cup vegan mayonnaise
1/4 cup olive oil
1 jarred roasted red pepper, drained
1 garlic clove, minced

Directions:

Bring 4 cups water, celery, onion, soy sauce, onion powder, garlic powder, and pepper to a boil in a pot over medium heat. Reduce heat to medium and simmer 5 minutes. Stir in oats, mushrooms and flour and cook 5 minutes more. Transfer to a bowl and chill.

Preheat oven to 350°F; coat baking sheet with cooking spray. Shape mixture into patties and bake on prepared baking sheet for 15 minutes. Flip and bake 10 more minutes. Cool.

Heat grill to medium-high. place foil on grill and coat with cooking spray. Grill burgers on foil for 7 minutes per side. Serve.
Piquillo Pepper Ailoi:

Puree all ingredients in blender until smooth. Season with salt and pepper.

CD 1

2008-05-26T17:45:00.000-07:00

Well really today is cycle day 2. It all began yesterday morning. I got up and decided to take a HPT since I was technically 1 day late for my period. The results were negative but we were still hopeful. I insanely convinced myself that the box of HPT that we had gotten at B*rtell's was defective.

After the test we decided to go to the gym. I played around on the elliptical for about 30 minutes barely breaking a sweat. (because lately I think I'm breakable, I normally love a hard workout!) Then I went to the restroom and low and behold....I started my frickin period. I just sat there on the toilet starring at my underwear. When I finally left the restroom 'C' could tell the moment she saw my face. We left the gym and sat in the car and I cried. My emotions were so mixed. I felt such extreme disappointment & relief at the same time. The relief was from fianlly knowing something!

The TWW was killing both of us. I never imagined it would be so hard. Any little twinge or ache in my body I would over analyze and in previous months I would probably ignore. argh!! I have such extreme admiration for couples/women that have been TTC for months and even years.

So, we wait...officially on cycle 2 of the TTC rollercoaster.

Home Pregnancy Tests

2008-05-24T16:10:00.000-07:00

Today is CD 26 and 13 DPO...and we're still hopeful! We promised ourselves that we would wait through today before we tested again. H is convinced that if she does another HPT first thing in the morning, her hCG in her urine will be "stronger" so the results might be more accurate.

The National Women's Health Information Center website posted similar information:
"The amount of hCG or pregnancy hormone in your urine increases with time. So, the earlier after a missed period you take the test the harder it is to spot the hCG. If you wait one week after a missed period to test, you are more apt to have an accurate result. Also, testing your urine first thing in the morning may boost the accuracy."

We are both very hopeful...it's not over!

To Test or Not to Test?

2008-05-23T17:34:00.000-07:00

H and I were in torment over when we should test. I was okay with testing early, as long as the results were positive. I didn't really think about how it would feel it the test results were not positive. We shouldn't have tested. We tested at CD 22 and it didn't make the waiting game any easier. Now we're just waiting for something else...for CD 25, 26, 27 and beyond. We were so excited to take our first pregnancy test, and we were both devastated that the results were 'Not Pregnant'. I didn't think I would be so emotional. Normally, I'm pretty level-headed, down to earth, and positive. Now we're convinced there is still hope. We're convinced that the test is wrong. Today is CD 25 and 12 DPO...still no period.

Posted by "C"

Wishin' and Hopin'

2008-05-20T16:41:00.000-07:00

I think I should stop reading all the TTC blog stories...they're starting to freak me out! I have waves of panic throughout the day, when I think about all the different stories I've read. Some of the stories are funny, some are happy, and some are down right sad! I've been trying not to think too much about the "bad" stuff, but I will go though phases where that's all I can think about. What if we're not pregnant? What if we are and we lose the baby? All these "what ifs" can't be healthy. I try to dismiss these thoughts as soon as they come into my mind, but then I start to worry that I've thought about them too long and we're doomed! This is crazy! I'm going to go on a blog diet if I don't get a hold of myself.

This TWW stuff is agonizing. I swear I light up like a Christmas tree for every symptom H shares with me. There is a part of me that secretly (I guess it's not a secret anymore) wishes that she would show signs of morning sickness just so I can say, "see it's not PMS!". To make matters worse, we've been analyzing her side profile like crazy. I swear it looks different, but I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. I've been trying to write it off as bloating, but deep down I want it to be the signs of a miracle happening. This may sounds strange but since the moment we committed to having a baby, I've never doubted for a second that it would happen. I think H is tired of me saying "It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when". Yet, as we wait for the cycle due date to come, we've been praying like mad that we'll be one of the lucky ones...that the stories we share will all have happy endings.

Heat Wave

2008-05-18T11:49:00.001-07:00

Hot, hot, hot! The weather has been strange this year. For the last few months in the Pacific Northwest, the weather has been cooler than normal for this time of year. We had a blanket of snow as late as April, and the temperature has been fluctuating between 45 - 55 degrees. Lately, the sky is full of little gray clouds, soaking the landscape with rain, rain, rain. Normally we get sun breaks on a regular basis, and only in the heart of August does the temperature get above 90 degrees. Yesterday was the first sun break we've had in a couple of weeks. A nice gradual increase in temperature would have been nice, but it jumped to 95 degrees where we live. Okay, okay, so that's nothing compared to some parts of the country...but, we're a bunch of wusses here! I suppose we could be considered a bunch of whiners too...it's too cold, it's too rainy, it's too hot! Hey, but at least we're flexible with our lattes and mocha's...if it hot, get an iced latte...if it's cold, get a hot latte. Anyways, it was too hot to do much of anything. By late afternoon it was cooler outside than it was inside...so, we hung out in the backyard with the pups. Maggie likes the coolness of the grass...it took her almost an hour before she stopped panting. That's Maggie in the picture...enjoying the fresh air and cooler temps!

Posted by 'C'

At Home Insemination: Ten Things I Learned

2008-05-14T05:57:00.000-07:00

The Nitrogen tank is not as scary as you would imagine. Believe it or not, you do not need to call in Jack Bauer (for those 24 fans, you know what I mean) to "defuse" it.

There is no need to panic when you read the instructions on how to handle the tank and it reads, "DO NOT lift the crane higher than the neck...or premature thawing may occur". My first thought? "What the heck is a crane? The only crane I know of are long-necked birds!" The long metal rod inside the nitrogen tank that holds the cryovials is called a "crane".

Cryovials (the vials the specimans come in) are about a 1/2 inch tall. It's hard to imagine that there is enough semen in there to do the trick, but it only takes two!

Next, you have to thaw the little swimmers. The instructions for thawing the forzen vial are SCARY! "Place the frozen vial in a water bath...temperatures exceeding blah, blah will severely decrease motility." Um, yeah, I went with the natural thawing process recommended by several books.

There is an pretty elaborate vial color coding system associated to each specimen to distinguish racial group and specimen type. They also include a "Specimen Report Form" to record the number of motile sperm. Hmmm, I wear glasses, but apparently that doesn't cover examining the specimens microscopically.

Operating the handle of the speculum with lube on your hands or the handle is tricky! Having a towel handy is highly recommended.

It is difficult to hold a flashlight with your ear and use a syringe at the same time, so I recommend a desklamp. It's definetly dark "down there". I wonder if a headlamp would work!?!

A catheter fits easily on the tip of a syringe...if you take the cap off first!

The cervix is a tempermental little bugger, so patience is required. H gently reminded me that "it" doesn't understand "words", especially profanity.

H won't "feel" any different afterwards, so asking her "how about now?" every five minutes is not a good idea.

Are you kidding me?

2008-05-13T13:12:00.001-07:00

Sunday (Mother's Day) was supposed to be the big day. We were all set to try our first at-home insemination. C had practiced with the syringe and catheter. It took us a bit to figure out that the tip of the syringe comes off and you can snap the catheter into place... who knew!?! We apparently missed that instruction when the doctor was demonstrating the tools we were to use. urgh! We started monitoring my cervix with a speculum on day 6 of my cycle and I was to start ovulating on day 13-14; just like every other month for the last 8 months. So, wouldn't you know that when I woke up on day 13 the fertility monitor and ovulation test stick were a 'no go'. We checked my cervix and it was still not open. Hmmmm...not ovulating today. I wasn't concerned because I've seen this in the past. I figured that I would peak on day 14...no problem!!

Then the next morning I woke up and tested. I must admit that I was a bit anxious this time around. In the past, I didn't worry too much about the monitor or ovulation stick results...I just documented the results and went about my day. So, I sat on the toilet waiting for the results. The ovulation test stick was done first. First off, let me just I say that I hate these sticks! It's a guessing game. At any rate, it appeared to give me a positive read for ovulating. Now the fertility monitor. Okay...so it was done, popped out the stick and.................'Low'....... WTF?!? I've haven't had this problem in 8 MONTHS. So, I told myself not to panic... Ok...no worries. I'll just wake up C and see what she has to say. We decided to check my cervix.... Hmmm, looks wide open and I had oodles of mucous. (slight TMI, but valuable info) So, with that we decided to try our first insemination. It went off without a hitch. whew!

About 14 hours later we investigated my cervix and decided to do our second insemination for this cycle. My cervix was open but not as wide. We were concerned that if we waited until we tested on the fertility monitor again it would be to late.

The next morning I woke up and tested on the fertility monitor.......and the results were........peak! So, we checked my cervix again and it was wide open like the first day but with not as much mucous. (I know, I know, TMI) ARGH!!! Now we're worried that we inseminated too early!!!

Now the wait begins. C keeps asking me if I feel any different. I think it's going to be a long 10 days. I usually have a 25 day cycle so unless my body decides to defy me once more we should have an answer by Memorial Day weekend. Wish us luck!

Posted by 'H'

I Boiled It!

2008-05-12T08:57:00.000-07:00

Have you seen the movie "If these walls could talk 2"? The part 3 scene opens when Fran (played by Sharon Stone) realizes that she is ovulating. Kal (played by Ellen DeGeneres) rushes out the door to the donor company to pick up the sperm. On the way home, she seat belts the nitrogen tank in into the passenger seat and carefully drives at a snails pace home, stalling traffic and yelling out the drivers side window to a neighboring car that 'I have sperm'. The scene goes on to illustrate several different insemination attempts. This little scene in the movie is the closet you can get to the real thing in mainstream society (minus the actual turkey baster scene).

I think we all can relate to this scene in one way or another. Whether it be your first attempt or your seventh, whether it be at home or in a doctor's office, we all go through a variation of the emotions portrayed in this little clip.

Enjoy!

Posted by 'H'

Home Delivery

2008-05-10T16:32:00.000-07:00

9:49 AM: As I write this post, and I'm sitting here waiting for FedEx to deliver our sperm. The specimens were shipped from Austin, TX. on Tuesday and are scheduled for delivery sometime today. I've been excessively tracking the "package" since 5:30 AM this morning. I went to yoga this morning, came home around 8:00 AM and according to the tracking details, it arrived at the Issaquah FedEx facility at 7:30 AM. I could run down the hill and walk back with the 28lb nitrogen tank faster than it's taking for them to drive it up the hill to my house. Of course, I would probably make CNN headline news: "Woman starts carrying baby preconception".

10:05 AM: As I was writing this post, there was a knock at the door! I was so convinced that it was FedEx that I bolted down the stairs, jumped over the baby gate and swung the front door open without looking through the peep hole. There was an elderly woman (probably in her late 70's or early 80's) standing on my doorstep. She's definitely not the FedEx man! This calls for a screenplay of the events that transpired:

A STRANGER WITH NO SPERM by C

C
(looking inquisitively) Hi
Stranger
Are you Donna Mclaughlin?
C
Who?
Stranger
Donna Mclaughlin
C
No. I don't know a Donna.
Stranger
Are you sure?

C raises one of her eyebrows in annoyance

C
Yes, positive. What address are you looking for?

The stranger indicates that she has the directions in her car, in which the front wheel is parked on C's grass. She nearly stumbles to the bottom of the stairs, shuffles through a bunch of papers in her front seat, and pulls out directions from yahoo.

Stranger
(looking over her glasses and pointing to the address on the paper) This is the right address. Are you sure you're not Donna?

Thinking to herself, C wants to say "Look lady, I think I know who I am. I'm not Donna and you're sure as hell not the FedEx man!" but she holds back.

C
I'm sorry, I don't know a Donna in the neighborhood.
Stranger
What should I do? This is where I was told to go. My friend Donna's husband past away before she moved here.
C
Is there someone you can call?
Stranger
I'll have to call my friend
C thought to herself "I hope your friend isn't Donna"
C
Do you have a phone?

The stranger whips open her cardigan to reveal a cellphone strapped to her belt. "Wow! Pretty hip grandma", C thought.

C
Why don't you give your friend a call and see if you have the right address? I'll look up the directions for you.
Stranger
Thank you! Let me call Donna.
C
Did she just say Donna? Okay, sounds good. I'll be inside if you need help.
Stranger
Do you mind if I stay here?
C
No

C watched through the peephole as the stranger got back into her car and dialed her phone. A few minutes later she got out of her car and headed back up the porch. C met the stranger at the front door.

C
Did you get an address?
Stranger
She lives at Providence Place. Do you know where that is?
C
Never heard of it. Do you have an address?

The stranger pointed to the address on the paper and handed it to C. C went back into the house to google her directions. She entered the information into the computer and waited for the directions. It says there's no such address. "Great! Now what am I going to do with her?", C thought. C found Providence Place and printed those directions and took those outside.
C
Well, it says that address doesn't exist. But, I did find Providence Place on the map and printed those directions.
Stranger
Thank you, Sweetheart! You've been so helpful.
C
You're welcome. You should be armed and dangerous now...have fun!
Stranger
I hope God delivers you something special today.

"Oh, he will" C thought! Hopefully a hot FedEx man and a tank full of sperm!

C
Bye now

12:45 PM: Still no FedEx! I've taken the pups out back for a potty break, made lunch (Tomato Soup & A Grilled Cheese Sandwich - YUM!), and have been chatting with my partner, H, while she slaves away at the office. She spent the morning in meetings and now we're chatting about a diaper bag she saw up for auction. Every year our employer holds a Silent Auction, whose proceeds benefit United Way. Items are donated by each department and employees can bid on any item.

1:12 PM: It's here, It's here! So, the FedEx man was not hot, but he was nice enough to carry the tank inside for me. He asked if I was H and then gave me that inquisitive eye when I said "No, but she lives here".

Here is a picture of what the specimens come in:

Posted by 'C'

The Beginning

2008-05-10T16:02:00.000-07:00

So, I've been trying for the last week to write our first post. C has been after me to just get it done. So here I go. I don't know why I've been so hesitate. I think subconsciously I'm afraid to start posting about our life in a blog. Once we start putting it out there for the masses it makes it all so much more real. Up until now it's just been 'US' planning, planning, oh...did I mention planning? Let me start out about telling you a bit about C and me. We met about 20 years ago...in high school (gasp) and this year will be our 17th anniversary. I bet your wondering why after 17 years did we decided to start having a family? Well, we would have probably started trying in our 20's but C got very sick. She was diagnosed in 1998 with SLE (Systemic Lupus Erythematosus) in it's most severe form and was hospitalized for two weeks. She had the key butterfly rash, kidney failure, pancreatitis, high blood pressure, seizures, and a high fever. It was a very scary time for us! But with chemotherapy and a complete lifestyle change she has been in total remission for 3 years. We went from staying out late, eating whatever we wanted (whenever we wanted), irresponsible 24-year-olds to suburban (hopeful) moms.

So, in the next few days we are embarking on our first attempt in the TTC process. It's been a year in the works so cross your fingers. This blog will be an accumulation of both of our experiences as we get our feet wet during this new journey in our life.

Posted by 'H'